Step TEN to Creating a Life You Love: Re-evaluation, Self-Compassion and Living in Grace

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” —Anne Lamott

The 10th and final step to create a life that you love is about graceful living and self-compassion through the growth process—which really is a lifelong process. With this final step, you may find that your goals shift and maybe even majorly change. Sometimes what you think you want dramatically changes when you are more engaged in the self-reflection and self-awareness process. With self-reflection it can come to light that what we think we want may really be what others have wanted for us—or what we think we should do rather than what we truly desire deep inside.

Currently a lot has changed with the COVID-19 virus impacting everyone all around the world. Have you noticed any shifts or changes from this significant shift in the way you work, commute, socialize and live your life? This is a helpful time to evaluate and re-evaluate your vision for your life, your goals and most importantly to focus on taking care of yourself.

Throughout this step there will be opportunities for evaluating and re-evaluating your personal change process. You want to ensure that you create a lifelong dedication to being true to your authentic self. Self-compassion and graceful living are at the core of this step. These are subtle and yet powerful shifts that solidify the benefits of the change process. They are rooted in mindfulness. How to be with yourself, how you treat yourself and care for yourself are essential to creating a life that you love. You spend a lot of time with you, and maybe at this time, more than ever before! When you are attempting to grow in self-leadership, you want to get along with, offer support to and care for yourself.

Living gracefully is being accepting, at ease and patient with life. Now if you are a total type-A person, that does not mean changing yourself at the core of who you are, that would not be living in authenticity. It does mean if you are type-A (a bit controlling, like things a certain way, impatient, maybe a little bossy?) that you could work to soften and create more grace towards yourself and others.

As you are engaging in the change process and feeling more grounded and empowered to live the life you want and a life that you love, it is helpful to re-evaluate where you are. As you reflect on how you got where you are, you can assess if this is in alignment with where you want to go. If you not, that’s ok! It’s better to know now. Life is short, but at the same time, life is a really long time to feel stuck and unfulfilled. It’s never too late to shift gears and create new goals and reimagine your vision—no matter what.

Self-compassion is an essential element to this process of personal growth and change. When you treat yourself with kindness you are more likely to extend that kindness outward and become resilient. There are three parts to the process of offering yourself compassion in times when you are struggling or feeling down on yourself. These three steps to self-compassion are: 

1.    Mindfulness- aligning with what is true right now. How are you feeling right now? Do not go into a judgmental space, just notice and allow yourself to be present with whatever is there.

2.    Universality- reminding yourself that you are human! Remind yourself that at times everyone feels this way.

3.    Kindness- say to yourself words that you would offer to a dear friend going through the exact same emotional experience or struggle. 

Here’s an example to highlight the process of offering yourself self-compassion: I am upset with myself for not completing my desired action steps and not following through with my plan for this week. I am beating myself up inside and feeling inadequate and like a failure. Shifting into self-compassion, first I become mindful of my emotions and ask myself, what is true right now? Then I acknowledge how I am feeling, right now, which could be: I feel inadequate, I feel like a failure, I feel frustrated, sad and defeated. Then I offer myself the experience of feeling the universality of this experience: sometimes everyone feels this way, at times everyone feels disappointed in themselves, this is a common human experience. Then I offer myself kindness and consider what I might say to a friend experiencing the same circumstance: I am committed to my goals, I just got distracted last week and that’s ok, there’s A LOT going on in the world right now that feels out of control. This week I can plan and prepare to follow through. It’s also ok to not push myself so hard when there are additional stressors out of my control in life. How do you feel after reading that? Think of a time you were hard on yourself and practice these three steps to experience how it feels to offer yourself self-compassion in the present moment.

When you are stuck in the thought cycle of beating yourself up, you will most likely stay in the disappointed and defeated state for a much longer period of time. This does not build resilience. When you apply that kind of grace to yourself you feel less pressure and you will be less likely to punish yourself internally. This process builds an extremely valuable inner resources such as feeling confident, strong and worthy. This process releases any internalized guilt and shame. This very simple three step process can produce profound shifts and results within your life.

Graceful living is living in a state of ease, not trying to control, force or judge anyone or anything—especially yourself. It is truly a kind way to be and exist within your life. Grace is not easy all the time and requires, just like anything else, practice. How can you approach something with a bit more grace today? Try it and notice the impact. Patience and releasing judgment are important factors, and they too are a practice—often a lifelong practice.

Now that you have been working through these ten steps, I hope you can integrate this very useful element of self-compassion and living in grace towards yourself and others. This not only allows you to create a life that you love, but to have a mindful, accepting and peaceful inner and outer experience.

Have you been using these steps to work towards any particular change in your life? I’d love to hear how this process has impacted you and the changes you desire. I do hope this finds you healthy and safe amid this global crisis. Please, take care of yourself and be well.

Inner Strength Focus: Growing Hope to Heal Emotional Eating

Over the past several blogs I have been talking about building six specific inner strengths to help you create more contentment and happiness in your life—specifically related to your relationship with food. The final inner strength that I will cover here of the six inner strengths is hope. Hope is linked to faith and it’s an inner belief that all will be well without having to feel as though you need to control every aspect of your circumstances. This is an experience of surrender. Hope allows a surrendering to an inner belief and trust which is deeply personal and a spiritual endeavor.

If you attempt to control every aspect of your life, you will become exhausted. When you find the elements that are controllable and connect that to the hope and belief that all will be well, you can lean into the process of surrendering, the process of letting go. When you lean into surrendering and letting go, you create an experience of happiness, inner peace and contentment. Hope provides optimism and optimism ultimately keeps you moving forward with a positive and determined mindset.

When you apply the inner strength of hope to healing emotional eating, you are able to remain in a more positive mindset when it comes to challenges, emotions and trusting yourself—and trusting the process. Shifting from the dieting trap of restriction (and then the inevitable over eating) into a more mindful and intuitive eating space, you will need to access an inner hope and belief that you can truly free yourself from emotional eating and create a healthy and peaceful relationship with food.

Food is pleasurable and nourishing. The purpose of feeding ourselves is to remain healthy while also providing your life with pleasure that you derive from cooking, tasting, eating and even sharing a meal with others. When food becomes your primary (or only) source of pleasure—or your tool for managing stress—you may not have much hope that your life can be different. The cycle of emotional and stress eating is hard to disrupt. Change is difficult. Not changing is even harder because you remain stuck in that negative cycle. Building the inner strength of hope is a process of surrendering to the awareness that your relationship with food has derailed and needs support to get back on track. Hope keeps you connected to the possibility of change and creates effort.

To begin to build the inner strength of hope, it will be helpful to create a vision for what a peaceful relationship with food means to you. Understanding why you want this change to occur makes it even more powerful. When you have your vision established and connect with it regularly, you create an inner hope, a belief and faith in yourself that why you want what you want will allow you to put the effort into creating your vision as your reality. When you have faith in yourself you are more likely to be kind to yourself, to handle challenges and be more proactive.

To begin to connect with your vision in order to build hope as an inner strength, spend time journaling about the following questions:

·      What is your vision for your relationship with food?

·      Why do you want this vision?

·      What are the challenges you can foresee as you set forth to put your vision into action?

·      How can you stay connected to your vision?

·      What does hope mean to you?

·      What does having hope look like within your life, how might it change your current life?

·      What do you need to do to increase your faith in yourself?

Once you have your vision established, create 3-5 action steps that you can take daily or weekly to move you in the direction of living your vision. Find where you can access hope daily and build faith in yourself to take the action needed to create a peaceful relationship with food. Connect with your vision daily, fine tune your action steps regularly, bring on support like a friend, coach or therapist to help you stay the course.

When you connect with hope, you create more inner happiness, peace and contentment. Always remember that you deserve to live the life of your dreams.

Grow These Six Inner Strengths to Create Happiness

Seeking comfort is human nature. We can become stuck in the comfort and then struggle to step outside of our comfort zones and embrace change. However, it is also human nature to strive to become better, to grow, and feel as though we are evolving in a positive way throughout our life span. The tricky part is how to step out of our comfort zones where desire remains just that, a desire rather than actually taking any action towards change.

Positive psychology is an area of psychology that focuses on developing individual strengths in order to live a life of deeper meaning, contentment, happiness, inner peace and ease. The power of acceptance is at its core. It offers a series of practices to create opportunities to develop and utilize these inner resources. These practices and the focus on developing inner strengths eases into the process of change. These foundational inner strengths then create an opportunity to embrace change in a way that is both very healthy and often focuses on, well—just like the name suggests—the positive.

Positive psychology definitely does not consider life to be just become a breeze if you possess or develop these strengths and mental perspectives. It also does not claim that the goal or purpose of implementing these practices to grow your inner strengths is to become happy-happy-happy all of the time—we all know that that is simply not realistic.

Within the arena of positive psychology the focus is how to approach circumstance that may be challenging. How to create a mindful perspective and view challenges as opportunities to use and continue to grow your inner strengths in order to build resilience and create the changes that you desire. This mindful and positive approach offers constant perspective shifting—creating the possibility to grow all throughout your life.

There are six personal strengths that studies have shown are consistent with living a life of happiness, contentment and ease.

These strengths are:

1.    Curiosity: Allowing continued growth of knowledge and wisdom

2.    Vitality: Allowing continued growth of courage as well as mind & body wellbeing

3.    Giving and Receiving Love: Allowing continued growth of love, trust, openness and affirmation for yourself and others

4.    Temperance: Allowing continued growth of acceptance, forgiveness & compassion

5.    Gratitude: Allowing for continued growth to release the state of wanting and desire and creating a grateful perspective that what you have is enough. This creates transcendence and deeply releases anxiety.

6.    Hope & Faith: An inner belief that all will be well without having to control your circumstances. This is the experience of surrender, which is deeply personal and spiritual.

While these six areas of strengths are demonstrated by those who seem to be authentically happy, know that there are many other strengths and values that are certainly important that we all can possess and attain. However, these six strengths are a pretty good place to begin to grow and build upon in order to open yourself to greater mental, emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. If you feel that you possess at least one of these strengths, you are off to a good start! You can access your strengths to help grow in other areas that may need some support along your path to creating greater contentment, happiness and ease in life. If you feel you do not possess any of these strengths, don’t fret! There are many ways to build and grow these strengths. In fact, that’s why I’m writing about this in the first place. So many people feel stuck and blocked in their pursuit of change.

Growth, change and personal development is a process and requires effort. So, think about this, how content do you feel with your life at this moment on a 0-10 scale? Now consider one of the strengths listed above that you feel you could benefit from expanding within yourself and improve your happiness.

Over the next six posts I will be talking about ways to increase each of these within your life on a daily basis. I will share practices that are rooted in positive psychology that support the development of these strengths. I will be offering ways to incorporate them into mindful and intuitive eating practices as my primary focus within wholistic food therapy is supporting those who struggle with emotional eating, stress eating and a not-so-healthy body image. If that is not what resonates with you, you can take the same concepts and apply them to any area that you’d like to grow, improve and feel stronger internally.

Throughout this fall you will begin to use these practices and allow your strengths to be reflected back to you both by how you feel internally as well as through how others may experience and respond to you. When you pursue change, growth and personal development, life opens up in such a positive and encouraging way. Really, it is all about your perspective and how much fear rules your current state of mind, actions and choices. When you focus on where you lack, where you feel let down or don’t allow in hope, that will only expand and be reinforced. On the other side, when you focus on growth, expansion and becoming, that will be reinforced.

I know that I always benefit from focusing on growing within one strength at a time as many of these were not my go-to’s for a long time. I will be doing the practices and working to grow throughout this fall and I am looking forward to the challenge. I hope you will join me as we begin to hone these internal strengths together!