How to Cope with Anger

What is your relationship like with anger? Anger is often categorized as a “negative emotion.” I disagree. When practicing mindful awareness of emotions, I encourage the opportunity to view all emotions through a lens of nonjudgment. When you bring this mindful focus to an emotional experience, rather than labeling it as good or bad, or positive or negative, can you instead get curious about what message the emotion has to share with you?

If you can view an emotion as information about your internal experience, and when you can view all emotions as information, this allows that sense of curiosity to create understanding and awareness of what is occurring in your body as a response to the emotion.

Many emotions may be experienced within your body as uncomfortable. The response we have to this discomfort can indeed be perceived as negative, which is why anger often gets a bad rap. Rather than feeling the discomfort and labeling the emotion as negative or bad, try wondering what may be causing that feeling state and what you can learn from it. You can discover that your relationship with anger will become healthier with practice and time.

Anger is an incredibly valuable emotion that shows up in response to having had something occur that your internal system perceives as unjust or wrong. The internal experience that is often perceived as negative with anger is that we are often taught that acting out our anger is bad, and therefore the emotion is bad. Try considering the message of your anger instead and the message of the discomfort you may experience in your body when feeling angry. The message of anger is often asking that you speak up for yourself, stand up for a cause or someone else, set a boundary, or call out a boundary that was impeded upon, or does your anger want you to simply say NO.

When you can act on the need of the emotion of anger in a way that is strong, firm, and from a space of conviction and assertiveness, it can reduce the discomfort internally. This can be understood well in concept; however, it can be much more challenging in practice. The challenge is that being assertive, saying NO, setting boundaries, and standing up for yourself, someone else, or something you care about can trigger another uncomfortable emotion: fear. Many of us struggle with assertively expressing anger, or are fearful of the response to the assertiveness or boundary setting from others.

The good news is that you can learn how to be assertive. Anger is felt in the body with a somatic surge that many experience as discomfort due to not know what to do with that energy. You can learn to use this mobilizing energy of anger; when the mobilizing energy of anger is channeled in a healthy, thoughtful way, it can be directed into a space of courage. You can arrive out of the anger by moving through your fear and accessing courage. Courage asks that you remain grounded and steady and direct the anger in a way that creates an opportunity to respond to what has triggered the emotion of anger in an assertive, direct, and clearly communicated way.

When you think about the early messaging you received in your life about anger, how was it handled and expressed by your caretakers? Anger can flip on our fight-or-flight system, triggering a feeling of being unsafe or in danger, and activates your inner defense system in a way that the behavioral response may be more extreme than the circumstance necessitates. When anger has been bottled up, one opportunity to expel it all at once can certainly happen and get the best of us.

If you notice that you’ve become angry, can you remove any judgment around the emotion itself and begin by getting curious about why the emotion of anger is showing up for you in this particular circumstance? Try asking these questions to understand and process your anger:

What does your anger want you to know?

Is there a boundary that you feel has been crossed?

Do you need to set a boundary, or restate your boundary?

Are you saying yes to someone else but no to yourself?

Are you feeling as though someone is treating you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, unappreciated, or put down?

Is someone asking something unreasonable of you?

Is someone hurting you in any way?

Is there an injustice you are struggling to make sense of or figure out how to handle?

These are all useful questions to consider, and from there you can determine how to best channel the energy of your anger into a form of communication that makes the most sense and allows you to remain the most grounded—and become as courageous as possible. Once you can process why the emotion is present, you can create a plan of how to best move forward.

If you have been modeled anger in a way that was frightening, it was acted out through aggression in words, behaviors, or tone of voice (or maybe all of those at once,) or maybe through passive-aggressive behaviors rather than directly, assertively, and courageously expressed for much of your life, this may feel like a radical way of viewing anger. It is not. It may take some time to fully notice or be present with the emotion, especially if it’s one that you’ve gotten good at numbing, avoiding, or suppressing. It is worth the time, effort, and practice to lean into noticing, being present with, processing, and releasing your anger in the most healthy way possible for you.

Anger has been so misunderstood because it triggers the fight or flight system, and most of us tend to repress or suppress our anger for fear that it will not be received well if we do speak up in an assertive way. Many people often feel more comfortable, or safer, holding in their anger than speaking up directly or standing up for themselves, setting boundaries, or saying no out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated. Many people, especially those socialized as women, have been taught that anger isn’t ladylike. Expressing your feelings in an open, honest, rational, and grounded way is the most empowering way to live. Learning to understand, nurture, and express your emotions will help you learn to communicate in effective and meaningful ways.

You may feel the more you get in touch with your anger, the more challenging it can be to release it when you can’t have the outlet of communication. This is where physically expelling the emotion can be very useful. Tense and release exercises, deep breathing, journaling, intentional movement, screaming into a pillow, and/or talking through your emotions with a trusted person such as a therapist can help create a practice of releasing anger so that it doesn’t fester in a way that causes suffering for you. Remember, emotions you bury, you bury alive (repression/suppression). Emotions you process are released for good. This creates emotional freedom and a healthier, happier mind and body.

The next time you feel angry, try using the above questions, get curious, tap into your courage, and see if you can find a new way to respond or release your anger. Practice self-compassion along the way because you will mess up, you will lose your temper at times; you can use this as guidance for practice, learning, and growth. Remember, feelings are not good or bad; they are information that is incredibly powerful when we notice, listen, and respond in a way that feels healthy and right for our individual selves.

How to Cope with Loneliness

How connected do you feel to your internal emotional world? Many people feel quite disconnected and struggle with identifying, feeling, and accessing emotions. When you are working to heal emotional eating patterns, having an understanding of and connection to your inner emotional world is essential.

Connecting to emotions can be pretty uncomfortable and challenging - especially if you were given messages in your life directly or indirectly that your feelings were too much, inconvenient, bothersome, or invalid. If you’ve been soothing, numbing, avoiding, or suppressing your emotions with food for a long time, this may feel like a huge undertaking - and it can be. I encourage you to approach this inner work with curiosity and an opportunity for self-awareness and know that it is simple in concept but not necessarily easy in practice. However, it is worth the time, effort, and work - because you are worthy of feeling whole and connected to yourself and others. (Not sure if you’re an emotional eater? Take my quiz to learn more: Am I an Emotional Eater?) 

The BLAST protocol is an accessible process to use as an entry point to emotional awareness (this is where you ask yourself, am I bored, lonely, angry, stressed, sad, or tired?) Today I’m going to talk specifically about Loneliness - the L of the BLAST protocol - to help you understand it and offer strategies to approach loneliness with curiosity versus numbing and avoidance.

Loneliness craves connection, company, and even stimulation. Food often can feel like a friend, there when you need it, comforting, and enjoyable; however, it does not fill the void of desiring connection to yourself or others for long. Loneliness can also occur even when you are surrounded by people as feeling connected is the desire, not just proximity to people. Loneliness craves connection to people in a way that is meaningful and fulfilling, not just the physical presence of people.

Getting in touch with your internal emotional world requires practicing the pause of the pause, reflect, release protocol. When you notice yourself turning towards food or any other numbing or avoidant behavior, take a moment to first pause and check inward. This offering of space prior to acting on the craving can allow you to acknowledge if your craving may be driven by a desire to emotionally avoid or numb out. Practicing the pause consistently creates more space for self and emotional awareness.

It can be helpful to do an emotional check-in multiple times a day just to practice the pause and the ability to gain am increase in comfort in the practice and process of emotional awareness. This practice creates presence and awareness of what is really true right now. Loneliness often points to feeling disconnected, isolated, and even a sense of feeling lost in the aloneness. The practice of pausing is a helpful time to go through the BLAST protocol, and if you indeed notice you’re feeling lonely, consider what else might give you a feeling of meaningful connection to yourself or others. 

Loneliness is pervasive, and many people report feeling lonely quite often, whether or not there are people around them. Just being around people doesn’t necessarily create meaningful connection. And you can also experience being alone without the hollow feeling of loneliness. When you feel deeply and meaningfully connected to others or yourself, loneliness can dissolve. 

If you are experiencing loneliness as a lack of connection to others, consider those you feel (or have felt) truly connected to in some way. Can you reach out and call someone to talk, to schedule a time to go for a walk, to dinner, or on some other engaging activity with them? If you are feeling isolated and not connected to those in your life, it may be time to find new authentic connections in your life. This process can be really scary! You can start by researching meetups, classes, or clubs in your area or seek volunteer opportunities in your area. Volunteering and making a positive impact on the lives of others can often quell loneliness and offer meaning and purpose in a healthy way. 

If you feel lonely even in the presence of others, it may be time to work on those relationships, to have more open, meaningful, and supportive communication. This can feel awkward if the distance feels challenging between you and the other person/people. Just starting the dialogue can be a great place to begin, and if needed, working with a couples therapist, a family therapist, a self-help book, or other external support can be helpful.

If you notice that you feel lonely every time you are alone and that you struggle with negative self-talk or low self-worth, this lack of connection with yourself may make it difficult to forge relationships with yourself as well as with others. Finding support is a great place to begin, with a therapist or a coach. To become more self-focused and aware, you can spend time journaling and meditating and getting curious about what you want and why you are experiencing loneliness in your life at this time. When you can truly befriend yourself, you create more opportunities to feel connected to others without the longing or any desperation.

No matter what is driving the internal experience of loneliness, it can be a very painful experience, and this is why you might find yourself numbing and avoiding with things that only perpetuate feelings of isolation, hollowness, and lack of connection. Food can feel like a friend, like a connection, and yet it is temporary and often perpetuates discomfort.

The pause is where you can begin, identifying and validating your internal emotional experience. The reflection offers the why, as well as where you are feeling the most disconnected. The release is making the new choice, choosing another option to create awareness, which may be just learning to sit in the discomfort at first, and this may lead to offerings to grow greater connection to yourself, to those around you, or to the relationships yet to come. 

There are many wonderful ways to connect with yourself or others, start where you feel the least amount of resistance, and remember, most people are craving authentic connections as well. So take some time to reflect on where you might create more connection with yourself or others today and commit to your own personal growth.

How to Cope with Boredom

Managing emotional eating requires having an understanding of your internal emotional world. These experiences are often uncomfortable or challenging, and you may not even recognize that you are an emotional eaters if you’ve been soothing, numbing, avoiding, or suppressing your emotions with food for a long time. (You can take my quiz - Am I An Emotional Eater? here.) 

In my last blog post, I talked about the BLAST protocol as an entry point to emotional awareness. Today I’m going to talk specifically about boredom - the B of the BLAST protocol - to help break it down, cozy up to it, and offer strategies to approach boredom with curiosity versus numbing and avoidance.

Boredom craves stimulation, connection, engagement, and creativity; however, the opportunity to numb, distract, and check out has become all too easy with doom scrolling and quick and easy foods being super available—these go-to’s are often topping the list of how you might currently cope with boredom. I learned from a very early age to never claim that I felt bored; the few times I did my task list became long, arduous, and, well, in my opinion, quite boring. Cleaning is not at the top of my list of engaging, stimulating, or ways of connecting; however, it might be for you. And that is what we’re going to get curious about today, what tools and strategies work specifically for you.

In order to get in touch with any emotional experience, it is essential to practice the pause of the pause, reflect, and release protocol. During the pause, you can check inward and acknowledge that a craving may be driven by a desire to emotionally avoid or numb out. I recommend trying to practice the pause consistently, not just when noticing a craving, and to do an emotional check-in multiple times a day in order to grow emotional awareness. By doing so, you create presence and awareness of what is true right now. Without the pause, it is difficult to grow self-awareness. Ways you might practice the pause could be, prior to eating a meal and/or snack, prior to brushing your teeth, prior to opening up your phone to check social media, your email, the weather, the next video on YouTube… During the pause, you can go through the BLAST protocol (bored, lonely, angry stressed, sad, tired,) and if you indeed notice you’re bored, consider what else might give you a feeling of stimulation, connection, or engagement in your life.

Having a list of things you enjoy can be helpful. I call this the positive nourishment list. This is a list of 10-20 things you find pleasure in that are not food or tech-based that can create a connection to yourself or to others in a genuine way. First you can get curious about what your boredom really wants- and have options on your positive nourishment list that match the varying categories.

When you’re bored, doing something creative can tilt you into the eaves of your imagination. Examples for your positive nourishment list could include journaling, doodling, coloring, crafting, cooking, decorating, doing a puzzle, or reading; for you it could be cleaning if that is a creative outlet for you - really anything that is creatively engaging and enjoyable to you that can shift you into a more present moment experience.

Doing something movement-related may help to release some stagnant energy that boredom can produce as well. Examples for your positive nourishment list could include, taking a walk, doing some stretching or yoga, dancing, biking, or playing a sport. Movement can also help to get you into your body in a way that feels pleasurable and connected, and supports the process of releasing boredom.

If you notice within the boredom that you are procrastinating doing something that you don’t really want to do, maybe give yourself a time limit to do something you’d enjoy as a reward for after you complete that task for that period of time. That way, what you perceive as boring can be rewarded with something pleasurable, and the anticipation of knowing something you enjoy is on the way can create motivation.

If you notice your boredom is driven by lack of connection, some examples for your positive nourishment list could include calling a friend, going to a cafe and strike up a conversation with the barista, researching meetups or clubs in your area, or seeking volunteer opportunities in your area. If you notice that your boredom is driven by a lack of connection with yourself, examples for your positive nourishment list could include journaling, meditating, or finding a therapist or coach who can support you in getting curious about what you want and why you may be experiencing emptiness or constant boredom in your life at this time.

No matter what is driving the internal experience of boredom, it doesn’t feel good, and this is why you might find yourself numbing and avoiding things that only perpetuate feelings of emptiness, lack of connection, and lack of feeling stimulated or engaged with your life. The pause is where to begin; curiosity is part of reflecting, and the positive nourishment list is so helpful so that you can create new ways of engaging with your emotions, particularly that of boredom. The release is making the new choice, choosing another option other than numbing out with food or any other way so that you can create stimulation, connection, engagement, and fulfillment in your life today.