Using Compassionate Listening to Increase Open-Mindedness

This past spring I was asked to give a talk at a local university about the health benefits of being open-minded throughout your life. They were having a health fair and wanted to bring mental wellbeing into the conversation just as much as physical wellbeing. The person who reached out read a blog I wrote a while ago about this very topic (The Health Benefits of Remaining Curious and Open-Minded Throughout Your Life) and thought it would be helpful to help young adults learn how to communicate in a way that fosters connection, tolerance, and acceptance. It seems that learning how to communicate with compassion, understanding, and acceptance is now, more than ever, absolutely vital — and not just for young adults.

When I asked the group how many people considered themselves to be open-minded, everyone raised their hand. When I asked how many people liked to be right, again, everyone raised their hand. When I asked how many of them felt the need to prove that they were right, many kept their hands raised. Most people hold onto their viewpoints for dear life and are willing to fight to feel as though they are right, to fight to prove that they are right. 

The truth is, our thoughts, beliefs, and opinions can be different, but we can still learn to understand one another. The trouble is we are hard-wired to go into fight or flight mode when our nervous system perceives that we are under threat. When we feel threatened by someone else’s viewpoint, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts, we can go into sympathetic nervous system arousal, or fight or flight mode. Living in a state of stress, fear, and defensiveness leads to poor health outcomes over time. Learning to create more room for open-mindedness actually increases a sense of feeling safe and decreases the experience of feeling under threat due to someone having a different viewpoint than you. 

This is where we can make some space for becoming open-minded through the most valuable of skills, which is learning how to listen. When it comes to communication, listening is the most important aspect. When we are truly listening, we have to hear, take in, and digest what a person is saying. This has nothing to do with agreeing; it has everything to do with becoming open and interested and how to consider that your perspective and someone else’s can differ greatly, and that is not necessarily a threat.

How often when you are in conversation are you thinking about what you will say in response versus hearing what the other person is saying? How often are you formulating judgments about someone based on what they are saying? Of course these things happen; we are all humans after all, loaded with our open opinions and judgments, whether we recognize them or not. This process is about recognizing and making a new choice on how to connect with another human being. Learning to listen, to hear, with curiosity and compassion is essential to learning how to communicate and become more open-minded. Curiosity and compassion are the cornerstones of open-mindedness. When used in communication you create a space to allow someone to feel heard, seen, and valued. This is mindful communication in action.

When children are small and trying to make sense of the world, they ask one question over and over: they ask “Why?” They are curious; they want to learn and understand. Maintaining this sense of curiosity allows you to be a human being, to reduce the need for perfectionism, to reduce the feeling of being threatened by someone else’s perspective, and to reduce the need be right at all costs. Being curious in conversations, especially when you aren’t necessarily understanding someone, can contribute to your growth, expand your awareness, and create mental flexibility and openness. So often when we are having discussions with others, we can be concerned about making a good impression, to come across a certain way, to be viewed in a light we desire - and to be right. However, if you can enter into conversations and discussions in a way where you are concerned about making a positive connection with the person, that will contribute to feeling more positively about yourself and the other person. When you focus on making a positive connective (which feeds the soul) versus a good impression (which feeds the ego) you can create more compassion and understanding. This process creates a feeling of safety, and this can come from listening mindfully, truly hearing, contributing, and being curious. This is how to become more open-minded.

Here are a few ways you can integrate open-mindedness in a conversation about anything where you may not agree with or understand a person’s perspective, so you can focus on connecting versus impressing or fighting:

• I’m curious, when did you first start to see it that way?

• Are you interested in hearing a different take on that?

• From my perspective, I see it differently; can I share with you how I see it and why I see it that way?

• I enjoyed learning about your perspective; thank you for sharing.

When asking the first three questions you will usually find that many people actually are curious; they do want to hear more, and they love to share their own reasons behind how they think and feel about what they do. The last one is great because you don’t always have to share just because you have a different viewpoint, perspective, or opinion. At the root of compassionate listening is just that: being present, mindful, accepting, tolerant, and open. As soon as you notice any hint of feeling threatened, see if you can take a deep breath and just get curious. Notice what happens when you practice communicating with others in a way where curiosity leads. You just might make an unexpected connection. 

Decoding Food Cravings

Managing food cravings can be one of the most challenging aspects of healing from emotional eating. Food cravings can occur for any number of reasons, some are more generalized and have little if not nothing to do with your internal emotional world. However, some food cravings are solely driven by emotions. Learning how to understand the difference between a general food craving and an emotional craving can make all the difference in healing your relationship with food.

What is a general food craving? 

There are several reasons a more general food craving may occur. One reason being that the craving is sending you a message from your body about what it may need. A general food craving can signal that your body’s nutrients are out of balance. This could look and feel like having a strong craving for a particular food, and yet you have absolutely no idea why. It could be that your iron levels are out of balance or electrolytes are out of balance, and therefore your body is craving a food that will replenish that particular nutrient.

Another reason a general food craving can occur is as a signal that you are dehydrated. You might be craving a particular food, or possibly a very hydrating type of food, and yet you may not be hungry. This can be addressed by drinking water when you first notice a food craving and then seeing if it helps it subside.

Another common cause of general food cravings is that your blood sugar is too high or too low. Blood sugar imbalances can wreck havoc on your system as a whole. For many people, this can be remedied by eating regularly, and especially by pairing protein with fiber to help balance blood sugar levels. Having a leafy green vegetable at the start of your meal can help to mitigate a blood sugar spike, as can taking a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar diluted in 3-6 ounces of water prior to a meal. If you are concerned about your blood sugar, you can talk with your doctor about testing and continuous glucose monitoring.

One big trigger for general food cravings is that they can be a sign that your diet is too repetitive or boring. If you are having the same foods day in and day out for your meals or snacks, and you find that you are craving other foods, then you might want to switch up your meals more frequently. Having variety in your dietary intake can be a more satisfying way of eating. If you are bored with your food, your cravings may be signaling that you need more flavors, more joy, and more variation in your food choices. This will help create greater satisfaction and satiation which helps to reduce food cravings.

Another big trigger for general food cravings can be restricting yourself to certain foods. Even if you are feeling satiated and you are receiving adequate caloric intake, if you have off-limits foods (for a reason other than an allergy/intolerance/physical discomfort caused by the food), then your mind may be rebelling by craving those very foods because it is feeling controlled. Opening up your food options, practicing nonjudgment and mindful eating with your food choices can help reduce this type of food craving.

The last general food craving I’ll mention here is that cravings can be triggered by your senses. If you just saw an ad for a particular food, or heard someone talking about a particular food or even smelling a particular food you might not be able to shake the craving. Your senses are very powerful, and when you have a craving due to seeing, smelling, or hearing about a particular food, that is a general craving. Sometimes you also may just have a “taste” for something for no specific reason, but yet it is not an emotionally driven craving or desire for the food. 

What is an emotional food craving?

Emotional food cravings are very different than general food cravings in that the driving force behind the craving is emotional. Most likely the emotion you are experiencing is uncomfortable and triggers a desire to numb out, avoid, or distract from the discomfort. This becomes cyclical and can act like an override to your system. When you experience that emotion, your system automatically compensates by creating the food craving. Giving in to emotional food cravings can cause a myriad of even further side effects. These side effects may include a lack of emotional awareness, possible unwanted weight gain, hopelessness, anxiety, and frustration. It often feels out of control and can create cycles of further emotional distress such as guilt and shame.

Another type of emotional food craving can be more subtle. These cravings represents something that may be lacking or subtly showing up emotionally in your life. For example, if you are craving sugar, you may be lacking sweetness in your life and you may benefit from more connection with yourself and others. If you are craving something salty, that may indicate that you are more stressed or anxious and need more grounding and peacefulness through relaxation, mindfulness, or other soothing activities. Cravings for something crunchy can indicate feeling emotions such as anger, frustration, stress, or boredom. This may be better served finding an outlet that increases mental and physical stimulation and movement in your life.

How can I cope with these food cravings?

Coping with food cravings is something that I support people with in my practice all the time. Food cravings are common, and yet many people feel alone in their struggles. I have a three-step cravings protocol that I recommend that many people find to help manage their food cravings far more effectively. It can be implemented in real time if you are fully aware of the craving; however, it can also be practiced in retrospect, which allows more opportunity to feel empowered as you grow and strengthen your self-awareness and emotional-awareness muscles!

The first step is to pause. During this pause, you might take some slow, deep breaths. You might set a timer for five minutes and make a plan to not eat during that time. You might have a glass of water. This pause is essential because it will help you to create more space between the trigger and your ability to respond to the trigger with more intention. 

Step two is to reflect. I recommend the BLAST method. Ask yourself, “Am I Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed or Sad, or Tired?” These are some of the most common emotions that trigger emotional eating for many people. While the internal emotional landscape is far more nuanced and there are so many emotions you may be experiencing, this can be a great place to start—you can always dig deeper when needed. During this reflection phase, you are learning to create space and explore with the desire to have greater self-awareness and emotional acceptance. 

The third step is to release. After pausing and reflecting, if you determine that it is NOT an emotional craving and you are actually hungry, eat what you are craving in a mindful, intentional, and peaceful way. Be truly present with your food, enjoy the taste, and the process of eating. Eat slowly and savor in the flavor and the experience of actually enjoying eating this food. Check in with your body when you are done; consider, How does this food make me feel? Learn from these messages that your body provides you based on full sensations, energy levels, digestion, satiety, and any residual cravings. This creates greater self-awareness, self-empowerment, and connection to your body. This process improves your relationship with food, your body, and yourself. 

If you find it IS an emotional craving, the release process could look like taking time to journal about the emotion you are experiencing, and spending some time trying to understand the message that the uncomfortable emotion or feeling state is trying to communicate with you. Other ways you can practice the release may be talking to someone to share your emotions or practicing deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation, or movement to release the emotion mentally and physically. You can also try using one of the following self-affirming statements: “I am capable of handling my emotions.” “I can make a different choice.” “I am learning to listen to messages from my body.” 

However you choose to release the craving, be it a general or emotional food craving, you create more present moment awareness to become more conscious and empowered. You are developing and growing your self-awareness, which is what all growth requires and where it always begins. You will also become more connected to your inner emotional world and understand your unique needs. The more you practice the three steps - pause, reflect, and release - the more you will create opportunities to connect to your mind and body in a more peaceful, balanced, and connected way.

A Yogic Approach to Healing Emotional Eating

When you hear the word yoga, what comes to mind? For many people it’s a picture of a very flexible person doing something super bendy, but very unapproachable for most bodies. When I took my first yoga class, I was intimidated but interested. I took a pretty strait forward class that moved from static posture to static posture concentrating on form, alignment, and awareness of both my body and breath in a way that I never had before. As someone who tends towards anxiety and who carries a lot of tension in my body, it had a huge impact on me. I felt different in a way I couldn’t specifically explain—and wasn’t just a physical shift, but a mental and emotional shift as well. 

When I set out to become a yoga teacher in training, the very first class was all about the philosophy of yoga. When my teacher said that the yoga postures are only one small slice of what yoga is all about, my head nearly exploded! He then went on to say that the whole purpose of the yoga postures are so that we can sit and meditate comfortably. He said that the postures are a part of the yogic process so that they can assist in our ability to meditate by allowing our body to be less of a distraction to going inward, and at this, my head did explode—in the best possible way. I saw something I’d looked at in only one way from a whole new perspective, and this new perspective changed my life.

Yoga philosophy is non-dogmatic. It is not based on any religion and does not require any beliefs. It is a series of ways to grow your self-awareness from all angles so that you can fully know yourself and express your true self in an accepting, peaceful, and compassionate way. Yoga philosophy has nothing to do with what to do, but with how to be. There are 8-limbs of yoga, and the postures are only one of those limbs. Each limb builds on one another so that full self-awareness and self-actualization can occur. 

When you struggle with emotional eating, you are moving further away from yourself, you are entering a form of self-abandonment and escape. Applying yoga philosophy to healing emotional eating can be an absolutely transformative way to heal. Yoga philosophy allows a way to create ease with emotions, full self-acceptance and self-compassion, and a way to be calm, grounded, and at peace internally—no matter what.

The first two limbs of yoga offer concepts of how to be with yourself, others, and within the world. They are intended to be a guide to how to feel most connected to our true nature and include concepts such as non-harming, truthfulness, non-stealing/craving, moderation, and non-possessiveness. They also consider concepts such as purity, contentment, consistency in practices, self-study, and surrender. The third limb is about using physical postures to build both strength and flexibility in your body so that you can feel comfortable and at ease physically. This limb relating to your physical body is also about embodiment and creating a healthy relationship with your body. The forth limb is about harnessing the power of your breath for mental, physical, and emotional fortitude. The fifth limb is about releasing the five senses and becoming deeply relaxed. The sixth and seventh limbs are about creating mental concentration and moving into a deeper state of meditation. The eighth limb is a culmination of all of the benefits of the first seven limbs into transcendence.

So how do these yogic concepts help with healing emotional eating? This process offers a way to be with yourself that is exploratory, curious, compassionate, and growth-focused. When integrating these concepts you become more grounded, accepting, comfortable, curious, and self-aware. Very often the part of yourself that desires to numb out or avoid discomfort through food is afraid of what will happen if you feel these uncomfortable feelings, or change your internal and behavioral patterns. This part of you is actually functioning as a protection from pain, discomfort, or suffering that it does not want you to have to handle, and is worried you possibly couldn’t handle without the old coping strategy of emotional eating. Through the yogic process, you become more curious about, and comfortable with your feelings, your experiences, and your body. Through exploring emotional eating through the lens of yoga philosophy, your mood becomes less of the driver of how to be, and more of a guide to what you need. If this all seems a little out there, I get it. I hope you will approach these concepts at least with curiosity and an open mind. However, if I’ve piqued your interest, which I hope I have, I will be outlining the process in the next few blog posts to break down each of the 8-limbs of yoga, and how to apply them with how to be with yourself, your body, your nervous system, your mind, as well as with food.