Examining Your Thoughts: A Powerful Tool to Calm Your Anxious Mind

If the stress of the current global crisis of COVID-19 has you feeling anxious, uncertain and overwhelmed, you are not alone. These are unprecedented times. I happen to be in the “epicenter” here in NYC and it is collectively causing stress and anxiety that can be felt in the air here…and I’d imagine everywhere.

I wanted to offer this practical, evidence-based technique that you can implement immediately to help release some of the mental and emotional stress you are experiencing. This technique will help you calm your anxious mind. When you are overwhelmed, it may feel like your thoughts are racing, like there is impending doom, like there is no hope. When you use this thought examination technique, you create space to understand how your thoughts are impacting you, practice releasing them and offer yourself opportunities to get into a solution-focused mindset. 

Thought Examination Technique

This technique allows you to examine your thoughts and the impact they have on you closely. This technique changes your relationship with your thoughts and creates empowerment. Often thoughts and faulty beliefs are happening on a subconscious level, they are running in the background of your mind, however your physical body through the stress response, responds accordingly.

If you are having catastrophe based thoughts, then most likely your body will enter into a sympathetic nervous system response, or fight-or-flight mode. This is not a helpful place to be unless there is truly an immediate emergency. While this circumstance is an emergency for many, it is not helpful, and actually is damaging, to remain in this heightened state of stress and anxiety continually.

To begin practicing the technique, get out a piece of paper and practice going through the following questions based on any fears and anxieties you are experiencing and use it regularly to manage and change your relationship to any stressful thoughts.

1. Choose a fear-based thought that has been on your mind or troubling you recently.

2. Ask yourself what emotions are driving that thought.

3. Where do you feel these emotions in your physical body?

4. Ask yourself, is this thought true? Unless it is a present fact, the answer is no!

5. Ask yourself, is this thought useful? Unless you are trying to problem-solve, most likely the thought is not useful.

6. Ask yourself, what is it doing to me to have and believe this thought? This is important to evaluate how detrimental this one thought can be.

7. Ask yourself, how would I feel without this thought? This is important because it allows you to recognize how this thought is limiting your present moment experience and essentially causing unnecessary suffering.

8. Ask yourself, what is the opposite of this thought?

9. Notice how it feels in both mind and body to sit with the opposite thought. The purpose of this is not to lie to yourself or move into positive-thinking mode. The purpose of this part of the exercise is to be aware that if you are believing the first thought in this moment, then the opposite could just as well be true.

10. Mindfully reframe the thought, transform the thought into what is true right now, this process creates a reality-based thought.

11. If this thought does come true, what are three things you can do to cope with that occurrence?

Example:

1. What is the thought? If I lose my job during this health crisis, I will lose my home.

2. What are the emotions connected to having this thought? Fear, sadness, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness.

3. Where do you feel these emotions in your body? Increased heart rate, nausea, tightness in my chest, tight jaw, neck and shoulders.

4. Is this a true thought? It could become true, but in this moment, no it is not true.

5. Is this a useful thought? Definitely not, it is causing me to suffer.

6. What is the impact of this thought on the present moment: Not be able to sleep well, pain in my body, no energy, can’t think clearly, feel sick.

7. How would I feel without this thought? Rested, peaceful, relaxed in mind and body. 

8. What is the opposite of this thought? I won’t lose my job or my house during this health crisis.

9. How does it feel to sit with the opposite thought? Better, but I still feel so uncertain.

10. What is a way to reframe this thought? Although I am afraid of losing my job, in this moment I am still employed and for that I am grateful. If I do lose my job, I will deal with that circumstance at that time.

11. What three things can I do now to prepare for if the thought comes true? If I do lose my job due to current unstable economy three things I can do now to prepare are: 1. look up how to file for unemployment, 2. update my resume, 3. look at my budget and see where I can immediate reduce expenses and create savings to prepare.

Notice how much different it is to be with the thought in a mindful way and engage with creative problem-solving? This process allows you to engage with the thought in a proactive responsive way rather than remaining in reactive-mode, which is emotional, stifling and illogical. 

When you practice this technique regularly, it will help to bring you into a more grounded, present-moment focused mind frame. This technique is helpful to practice anytime you are experiencing fear-based, anxiety provoking, catastrophizing thoughts. 

When you go into problem-solving mode you create more hope and experience less fear. The next time that you find you are stuck in a negative thought cycle, use this technique and end with finding solutions. Notice how this allows you to put your mind at ease and feel more in control and empowered.

Step TEN to Creating a Life You Love: Re-evaluation, Self-Compassion and Living in Grace

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” —Anne Lamott

The 10th and final step to create a life that you love is about graceful living and self-compassion through the growth process—which really is a lifelong process. With this final step, you may find that your goals shift and maybe even majorly change. Sometimes what you think you want dramatically changes when you are more engaged in the self-reflection and self-awareness process. With self-reflection it can come to light that what we think we want may really be what others have wanted for us—or what we think we should do rather than what we truly desire deep inside.

Currently a lot has changed with the COVID-19 virus impacting everyone all around the world. Have you noticed any shifts or changes from this significant shift in the way you work, commute, socialize and live your life? This is a helpful time to evaluate and re-evaluate your vision for your life, your goals and most importantly to focus on taking care of yourself.

Throughout this step there will be opportunities for evaluating and re-evaluating your personal change process. You want to ensure that you create a lifelong dedication to being true to your authentic self. Self-compassion and graceful living are at the core of this step. These are subtle and yet powerful shifts that solidify the benefits of the change process. They are rooted in mindfulness. How to be with yourself, how you treat yourself and care for yourself are essential to creating a life that you love. You spend a lot of time with you, and maybe at this time, more than ever before! When you are attempting to grow in self-leadership, you want to get along with, offer support to and care for yourself.

Living gracefully is being accepting, at ease and patient with life. Now if you are a total type-A person, that does not mean changing yourself at the core of who you are, that would not be living in authenticity. It does mean if you are type-A (a bit controlling, like things a certain way, impatient, maybe a little bossy?) that you could work to soften and create more grace towards yourself and others.

As you are engaging in the change process and feeling more grounded and empowered to live the life you want and a life that you love, it is helpful to re-evaluate where you are. As you reflect on how you got where you are, you can assess if this is in alignment with where you want to go. If you not, that’s ok! It’s better to know now. Life is short, but at the same time, life is a really long time to feel stuck and unfulfilled. It’s never too late to shift gears and create new goals and reimagine your vision—no matter what.

Self-compassion is an essential element to this process of personal growth and change. When you treat yourself with kindness you are more likely to extend that kindness outward and become resilient. There are three parts to the process of offering yourself compassion in times when you are struggling or feeling down on yourself. These three steps to self-compassion are: 

1.    Mindfulness- aligning with what is true right now. How are you feeling right now? Do not go into a judgmental space, just notice and allow yourself to be present with whatever is there.

2.    Universality- reminding yourself that you are human! Remind yourself that at times everyone feels this way.

3.    Kindness- say to yourself words that you would offer to a dear friend going through the exact same emotional experience or struggle. 

Here’s an example to highlight the process of offering yourself self-compassion: I am upset with myself for not completing my desired action steps and not following through with my plan for this week. I am beating myself up inside and feeling inadequate and like a failure. Shifting into self-compassion, first I become mindful of my emotions and ask myself, what is true right now? Then I acknowledge how I am feeling, right now, which could be: I feel inadequate, I feel like a failure, I feel frustrated, sad and defeated. Then I offer myself the experience of feeling the universality of this experience: sometimes everyone feels this way, at times everyone feels disappointed in themselves, this is a common human experience. Then I offer myself kindness and consider what I might say to a friend experiencing the same circumstance: I am committed to my goals, I just got distracted last week and that’s ok, there’s A LOT going on in the world right now that feels out of control. This week I can plan and prepare to follow through. It’s also ok to not push myself so hard when there are additional stressors out of my control in life. How do you feel after reading that? Think of a time you were hard on yourself and practice these three steps to experience how it feels to offer yourself self-compassion in the present moment.

When you are stuck in the thought cycle of beating yourself up, you will most likely stay in the disappointed and defeated state for a much longer period of time. This does not build resilience. When you apply that kind of grace to yourself you feel less pressure and you will be less likely to punish yourself internally. This process builds an extremely valuable inner resources such as feeling confident, strong and worthy. This process releases any internalized guilt and shame. This very simple three step process can produce profound shifts and results within your life.

Graceful living is living in a state of ease, not trying to control, force or judge anyone or anything—especially yourself. It is truly a kind way to be and exist within your life. Grace is not easy all the time and requires, just like anything else, practice. How can you approach something with a bit more grace today? Try it and notice the impact. Patience and releasing judgment are important factors, and they too are a practice—often a lifelong practice.

Now that you have been working through these ten steps, I hope you can integrate this very useful element of self-compassion and living in grace towards yourself and others. This not only allows you to create a life that you love, but to have a mindful, accepting and peaceful inner and outer experience.

Have you been using these steps to work towards any particular change in your life? I’d love to hear how this process has impacted you and the changes you desire. I do hope this finds you healthy and safe amid this global crisis. Please, take care of yourself and be well.

Step NINE to Create a Life You Love: Making Adjustments to the Change Process Through Self-Reflection

“But there is a corollary to freedom and that's personal responsibility, and the real challenge is how you generate that personal responsibility without imposing it.” —Esther Dyson

Step 9 to creating a life that you love is about understanding how new learning can be integrated throughout your personal change process and how you can apply it to all areas of your life. Most likely you will need to make adjustments, and these will be based on constant self-reflection. Fine tuning your change process by taking personal responsibility for your life is a big part of this step. You continue to deepen your self-reflection and self-awareness in order to stay motivated and connected to your vision. This process ensures that you continue to feel good about the person you are growing into on a daily basis. You will also give yourself space to celebrate all of the shifts and changes you have created up to this point in the process.

As humans we are driven by and respond to rewards. Rewarding, celebrating and staying focused on what is going well throughout your change process helps to create this subtle shift in growing in the direction of who you want to be and how you want to live. As you celebrate and apply your new learning it is helpful to share those insights and skills with others. When you share with others you solidify and strengthen what you have learned. This sharing process makes it more real, more solid and more grounded within you.

Taking personal responsibility for your life is closing the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it. As you have formed new habits, focused on what’s going well and accessed your support team as needed, living within the ability to make choices based on your vision is essential. This demonstrates the ability to take personal responsibility for your life. This is where many people get stuck. They struggle to keep going, to stick with the practices that work once they feel good and complacency can start to creep in… complacency can destroy your vision.

When you take personal responsibility for your life, you essentially ask yourself before each choice, decision and undertaking you make, “does this choice support my vision?” If the answer is no, then is it worth it? Ultimately, you have to decide this, often multiple times a day. This is where reviewing and staying true to the process of change is essential. The thing is, you don’t just go through the steps once and create a life you love. You have to review, redo and keep moving forward by taking personal responsibility for your life every single day. When things go awry it’s easy to look outside yourself for where to place the blame. This is not taking personal responsibility. When you can look within and reflect on your own blind spots, your shadow and patterns, you have the ability to continue to fine-tune them. 

While self-awareness is the heart of step 1, it’s necessary throughout each and every step to build on your self-awareness through constant self-reflection. This is how you can make the necessary adjustments. One way to do this is through integrating rewards and celebrating what is going well. Step 9 is really about constantly reintegrating all of the previous steps so that you don’t find yourself in a state of complacency, that where you’ve made it to is good enough even though your vision is much greater. In step 9 you remind yourself not to settle, to keep moving towards what you want and remaining aligned with why you want it.

When you engage in regular self-reflection, make the necessary adjustments and celebrate your wins, you will find yourself closer to living in alignment with your vision. When you take personal responsibility for your life, stay in alignment with your greater vision and reward yourself for your shifts no matter how small, you will find yourself creating a life that you love.