Embracing Emotions

Allowing ourselves to be present with our emotions is an incredibly powerful and meaningful practice. When we embrace our emotions, we are embracing ourselves in a way that lets our feelings and experiences know that we can handle them. However, it can be a really challenging practice to embrace our emotions when we are struggling, when we are going through a difficult time, or when we are stressed and overwhelmed with life in general. When we’ve gotten good at numbing out and avoiding our emotions through behaviors, it can feel like we need to start completely from the beginning to learn how to be present with our emotions. It’s worth it to put in the work to learn to fully embrace our emotions.

Embracing our emotions can be a difficult practice to start if we have been avoiding, numbing out, or suppressing our emotions for a long time. We cannot pick and choose which emotions to numb, so if we are numbing any emotions we are numbing out the full spectrum of our emotions. This generalized emotional numbing creates a limited range of experiencing our lives in the here and the now to the fullest, and this is causes suffering.

If you allow yourself to fully embrace the vast range of the emotions you experience, you allow yourself to embrace yourself, your fullness, and your wholeness, as the amazing being that you are. If you avoid, numb, or repress your emotions, you are limiting your experience of your life and not embracing your full-self.

Emotions are information. They allow us to understand our experience and provide us with powerful messages regarding what and how we are taking in our present moment. When you can experience your emotions in a nonjudgemental way, by observing, exploring, and fully processing your emotions, you receive really valuable information. The trouble is that many of us struggle with the discomfort of uncomfortable emotions, and many of us never learned how to cope, handle, express, or release our emotions in a healthy way. This can lead to beliefs about our emotions that are faulty and unhelpful, such as anger is a “bad” emotion and happiness is a “good” emotion. If you can remove the judgement you can see the emotion for what it is, helpful information about your life experiences.

In the process of learning to embrace our emotions there are helpful ways to begin to ease into the work. When it comes to emotions, it can be helpful to know that you have to name them to tame them. Learning to name your emotions immediately diffuses some of the intensity of the emotion. Naming your emotion creates a construct to understand the emotion through language. Once you’ve named the emotion for what it is, the taming of the emotion is about getting curious about why the emotion is present for you, and what it wants you to know. In a space of curiosity you can ask questions that allow you to explore and express the emotions in a healthy, meaningful, and empowering way. 

Another important factor in learning to embrace our emotions is understanding, feeling, and coping with, the somatic elements of emotions. Thoughts about an experience can conjure up sensations in our bodies, this is where the emotions live within our physical being. Once you’ve named your emotion and gotten curious about it, begin to sit with where you feel the emotion in your body. This can be uncomfortable, however, if you can describe the sensation, and continue with the practice of curiosity, you can understand it, and then allow your body to feel it fully, in order to release it. 

Our bodies don’t know the difference between thoughts, perceptions, and experiences, so getting in touch with the somatic elements of emotions can happen after the fact of a challenging circumstance that hasn’t been fully processed. This is why it is so helpful to practice processing feelings by being present with them, naming them, and practicing letting them go in a way that allows you to fully release them from your mind and your body. This way you are not carrying around the baggage of old, unprocessed feelings. When we bury our feelings, we bury them alive. They don’t go away, they get repressed and suppressed and eventually they show back up because they want to be understood and healed. This process allows that full and deep embrace of your emotions, welcoming them in, naming them, getting curious about them, and then truly feeling them so you can let them go.

Journaling can be a very helpful way to begin to get in touch with your emotions. It can be intimidating if you haven’t tried it, and sometimes clients tell me that they are afraid of getting stuck in an uncomfortable emotion or feeling state if they open it up to journaling. This is where I recommend having a journaling process, where you feel in control of easing into the work of embracing your emotions. While it’s important that you find the right process for you, I recommend starting with a feelings wheel, you can access one HERE. Begin by naming the emotion, or locate the emotion on the wheel. Write it down in your journal. Set a timer for 1-5 minutes and write out everything you can about this particular feeling. 

It might look something like this:

-Emotion Name: Anger

-Where do I feel the emotion in my body? I feel it in my stomach, it’s a swirling feeling that I don’t like, and my heart is beating faster, there is some tension in my arms and my jaw. Everything feels tight.

-Am I trying to avoid the emotion, if so why? It feels really uncomfortable, I don’t like feeling angry, I just want it to go away.

-What message is this emotion trying to send me, what does it want me to know? I am feeling this emotion because someone really upset me at work, I feel like they took advantage of my kindness and then took credit for something I worked really hard on, it makes me so mad that they did this and then I didn’t stand up for myself, I didn’t know what else to do so I just stood there and now I’m stuck with all of this anger towards them and towards myself. I’m also hurt, I thought this person was a friend.

-What does this feeling need from me, is there any action I can take? It wants me to stand up for myself, to confront the person, but that feels really scary. It wants me to be brave and tell this person how I feel. I don’t know if I’m ready for that, but that’s what it wants me to know it needs.

-When the timer goes off, pause, take a breath, and draw a line on the page to delineate before and after.

-Take a quick scan of your body and notice if you are still holding onto tension related to the emotion as you’ve been writing and connecting to the feeling. If so, see if you can relax any areas where the emotion is still festering in your body. For example, if your stomach is still swirling, begin to take slow deep breaths into your abdomen, feeling is expand as you inhale and soften as you exhale. If your heart is still beating faster, continue with the steady breathing, slow and deep. If your jaw and arms are still tense, see if you can exaggerate the tension, take a deep breath in, and then exhale deeply as you let all of the tension go. Repeat this until the tension releases. Then imagine a soft light streaming into the areas of discomfort and transforming any lingering sensations of the emotion, see if you can imagine the light clearing it out and letting it go.

-Then, locate an emotion on the wheel that you’d like to feel, or consider the opposite feeling state from what you were experiencing. If was anger, the opposite emotion might be to feel peaceful. Spend a little time journaling about that feeling in any way that feels helpful for you. Invite in this more desired feeling state to your mind and your body. Allow yourself the opportunity to choose how you want to feel. You can also do a short, guided meditation or guided imagery from an app to help release anything else that needs to be cleared from your body.

-Be sure to thank yourself for showing up for yourself. Thank your emotions for helping you to understand your experience internally. Thank yourself for trying a new way to be present with your emotions, and for learning to embrace your emotions. Remember, there are no bad feelings, they are all messengers, information, and necessary to understand our complicated experiences of being a human. 

I hope you will take time during this busy, often overwhelming, and stressful time of year to pause, check in with yourself and let yourself feel your emotions in a mindful, curious and compassionate way.

How Are You?

The holiday season is approaching, for many people this is a fun, joyful, and exciting time. For many others, it’s a stressful, uncomfortable, and overwhelming time. For some, it’s a combination of both. Please know that during this time of year, many people are just not ok. If that person is you, it’s ok not only to not be ok, but to talk about it if needed.

I wanted to write this blog at this time as many people I work with have shared feelings of simply not being ok this time of year. Others have shared feelings of not knowing how to be there for others they care about who are struggling, how to support those who are just not ok. Hopefully some aspects of this post can help with both circumstances to allow grace both for yourself if you are struggling, or for others in your life who may be struggling during this time of year.

In general, when someone asks, “how are you?” do you answer this question honestly? Do you take a moment to truly consider how you are actually doing in this moment? Or, do you resort to the standard, “fine” “doing ok” “hanging in there” despite what you are actually feeling internally? While it’s important to protect ourselves and have boundaries, it’s also important to normalize and share the experience of our struggles, our emotional pain, and our challenges. The truth is, sometimes we really are just ok, sometimes we’re better than ok, we’re great, however, other times we are struggling, experiencing significant pain, and feeling the weight of our challenges. In these moments, it really is ok to speak your truth to the question, “how are you?” — especially with those you trust. 

Leaning into emotional vulnerability can be really difficult. We live in a performance and productivity driven society, and we don’t always make time for our own feelings, much less the feelings of others. We often work in groups and encounter people daily, and yet we have a projected mask that keeps our inner experience well concealed deep within ourselves. Being vulnerable is about being honest, both with ourselves, as well as with others. When you can lean into the reality of the truth to the question “how are you?” with a pause, and an ability to check in and be open with how you are truly feeling in that moment, you are leaning into the experience of being vulnerable. When you consider what you are experiencing internally, and express it out loud to another person, you allow them the opportunity to lean into holding space for your emotions, your honesty, and your vulnerability. 

During this season, it’s ok to be honest, to honor your boundaries, and to be prepared for others to potentially hold space for you. In an effort to be more open and vulnerable, you may also encounter experiences of others who are uncomfortable with your vulnerability. If that describes you, someone who struggles with how to be present with someone else’s discomfort, know that there is another side of vulnerability as well. This other side is about how to fully show up and be there for someone when they offer their inner feelings and experiences to you. 

Does it cause discomfort for you when someone tells you that they aren’t doing so great? Do you often jump into problem solving mode when someone tells you about a challenge they are enduring, even if they haven’t asked for your advice? Do you remain quiet, brush past it, and change the subject? Do you resort to any other kind of avoidance when someone tells you about their emotional pain or struggles due to your own discomfort? 

These are challenging interpersonal experiences and typically we are not given great models or taught lessons about how to have healthy, open, vulnerable, and honest communication. It’s tough to know how to express ourselves, or how to be there for someone else who is expressing emotional pain in a vulnerable way. It can also be difficult to share our pain because we don’t want to emotionally dump onto others, or be a burden. For others it may not feel safe or comfortable to not seem ok. Many people feel like they have to show up as always fine and project that they are fine—even if they in fact internally are not.

The key with leaning into vulnerability and speaking your truth is to practice with someone you trust. You want to have positive experiences sharing and practicing becoming more emotionally open, honest, and vulnerable. Consider someone you believe would be willing to listen to you, to be there for you, and offer space for your honesty and openness. Consider someone you trust to hold this space for you—even if it feels uncomfortable—and begin there. Imagine what it would be like for this person to ask you the standard, “how are you?” and you taking a moment to pause, and consider the question honestly within yourself. Then imagine going into a sense of vulnerable openness, sharing honestly what you are actually feeling and experiencing in that moment. Does this stir anxiety, worry, or any other feelings of discomfort for you? If so, that is completely normal. Being vulnerable is hard, but holding everything in, and not creating authentic connections is ultimately even harder in the long run. Accessing support when you are struggling with anything challenging is tremendously valuable.

Once you begin to become more open with someone you trust, notice the impact, notice how it feels to be honest, to confront the anxiety or worry or any other discomfort that comes up for you. When asked this seemingly simple question, “how are you?” practice saying something such as one the following:

• “Thank you for asking, I actually have been struggling with _________ (name your struggle).” 

• “Things feel really challenging for me right now, can I talk with you about it?”

• “I’ve been feeling ______________ (down, low, anxious…) recently, I could really use a friend right now.”

• “I appreciate your kindness in asking, I’m actually going through a really difficult time.”

• “I’m feeling lost and unsure of what to do with these feelings, thank you for asking, it means a lot to me.”

What does it bring up for you to imagine saying one of these vulnerable statements to someone when you are struggling? Usually, after the initial fear or discomfort of being vulnerable, it makes us feel heard, more connected, lighter, and helps to release some of the suppressed stress and discomfort. While it can be hard to do, it’s worth moving through the discomfort and allowing yourself to practice being vulnerable and open.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this vulnerability, consider how you might show up for someone else in pain, someone you care about, expressing to you that they are struggling. Most of us struggle with sharing due to perfectionism or people pleasing tendencies, however, we also usually struggle with how to respond when someone is actually open and vulnerable with us. Here are some examples for how to show up, hold space, and be there for someone in pain. If someone says something to you similar to one of the above statements, you might respond by saying:

• “That sounds really challenging, (or difficult, hard, painful…) if you want to talk about, I’m here to listen.” 

• “I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, I’m here for you in any way that would be supportive for you.”

• “Let me know if you need for me to listen, or if you would like some supportive advice”

• “I’m so glad you shared this with me, how can I help?”

• “I’m here for you, I hope you know that you are not alone.”

Imagine how it would feel for you to say one of the above statements to someone, even if, or especially if, it feels out of your comfort zone. Offering support can help someone more than you may even know.

Sometimes people hesitate to ask how someone is doing when they know that person is struggling because they are afraid the person may not want to talk about it. They worry they will bring it up and it will be too painful for that person. The reality is, that person may not want to talk about it, and that’s totally ok. However, acknowledging the other person’s pain, and being willing to listen if they do want to talk is tremendously powerful. Everyone wants to feel like they matter to others, that they are cared for, and when you ask someone how they are, and can show up for them in moments of their pain, you are creating an opening for deep and meaningful connections. It’s even ok to express your own vulnerability and say what you are honestly feeling and experiencing. You can say something as simple as, “I don’t even know what to say but I want you to know that I am here for you.” Vulnerability is hard, but it is worth the effort.

One of the most valuable ways to support someone once you’ve been there for them is to follow up. If you know someone is struggling, reach out, be present, and offer your support and kindness. Compassion literally means to suffer together. Being compassionate does not mean taking on the suffering of others, but to acknowledge, be present with, and offer space for the suffering to be understood and heard. Your presence for someone can be tremendously powerful. We all go through challenges, it’s simply a part of the human experience. Allowing yourself to be honest with your struggles, and allowing others to be honest with you about their struggles can be a valuable conduit to healing. Remember to take care of yourself this season, and maybe practice being more vulnerable and open and let yourself be honest about how you are feeling — how you are actually feeling.

Understanding Triggers

The word trigger has become increasingly commonplace in our day to day language, but really, what are triggers and how can we best handle them?

A trigger happens when a current experience of discomfort touches on an old inner wound. This current experience of discomfort then reignites the old uncomfortable feeling(s) or experience(s), the unprocessed wound(s), or trauma(s). Negative thought patterns then get stirred and this often comes with a strong physical, emotional, and mental response. This response overwhelms the nervous system and is not necessarily congruent with the current uncomfortable experience, or trigger.

A trigger is experienced in the present and can be something someone says, doesn’t say, a look, a smell, a physical sensation, a tone of voice, or anything else that then stimulates the memory networks connected to the unprocessed trauma(s) or old wound(s) and brings up subconscious negative internalized beliefs about ourselves, such as I am unsafe, I am inadequate, I am unworthy, I am in danger and so on. The nervous system responds as if we are in danger. There is a big difference between being upset and being triggered. 

When triggered, we temporarily regress back to that feeling state associated with unprocessed emotions or experiences and the nervous system takes over as form of self-protection. This response plummets us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. This usually happens without the ability to think it through, it is an automatic reactionary response to re-experiencing the old wounds of the past tied up into the present triggering experience. This is a survival instinct to avoid suffering and danger.

This nervous system response to a trigger is something that luckily, we can begin to manage more effectively with self-awareness and learning to regulate our nervous systems more effectively. It takes a whole lot of effort and consistent practice, but it is possible. If you have deeper trauma, it is helpful to do this with the support of a therapist who practices from an evidence-based, trauma informed approach. If you suffer from PTSD, while some of this information may be useful, I highly recommend working with a therapist who specializes in PTSD as the trigger responses are likely more extreme and automatic and may be challenging to process on your own.

Self-awareness is the key to understanding and learning to redirect our triggers. Without awareness, we cannot change. With awareness, we can begin to see our own patterns and begin to make small, incremental changes that lead towards more self-regulation of our nervous systems. With increased awareness and coping strategies, we can develop the ability to respond to the trigger versus being thrown into the automatic reactionary impulse of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Gaining self-awareness takes a willingness to investigate our own reactionary behavior patterns when triggered. Journaling about triggers, keeping a “trigger log” and taking copious notes about all of the details related to what you experienced— what it was, who it was, why it was, and very importantly, what it brought up for you that is old and from your past. Having this information gives you a place to begin. Taking notes about your response to being triggered, what was happening in your body, your mind, your breath during and after the trigger, this is where your self-awareness begins to grow. Once you have some data, you can begin to consider where to intervene with these occurrences and experiences in a way that supports your growth.

One way you can begin to understand your own triggers more effectively is to know what reaction it causes within you when you feel triggered. These are the negative internalized beliefs, negative cognitions or negative thought patterns that can loop in our brains based on early childhood experiences. The messaging we took in about our self-worth in these experiences as well as what we witnessed in the behaviors of our caretakers. We’ve picked these beliefs up and respond to them as if they are true, this self-awareness work is about beginning to understand that it is old, and to begin to challenge the messaging and eventually re-writing with the language that is actually true, useful and empowering.

Some examples of negative cognitions/negative internalized beliefs are:

I am not good enough

I am not worthy

I am powerless

I am helpless

I am not in control

I am a bad person

There is something wrong with me

I am a disappointment

I am a failure

I am inadequate

I am different and don’t belong

I am unlovable

I can’t trust anyone

I am unsafe

I can’t trust myself

I have to be perfect to be loved

The list can go on and on, however these are some of the most common negative cognitions that are experienced by many people. When we are triggered, if there are experiences in the past that have made us feel this way about ourselves, we can get stuck in a pattern of negative self-talk, or have a trauma response that makes us feel that this negative cognition or feeling state is indeed true. If we don’t learn how to manage these negative cognitions it can lead to compensatory, self-sabotaging behaviors such as using food, substances, mindless activities or anything else to avoid the discomfort that is experienced in mind and body. Emotional soothing with food or any other emotional numbing is only a temporary release and leads to increased negative feelings about ourselves. When we become the observer of the trigger and understand where it came from, we can begin to take our nervous systems back and learn to create and offer more self-compassion.

Over time, with self-awareness and practice we can create a new internalized belief structure such as:

I am good enough

I am worthy

I am powerful, or I own my power, or I now have choices

I am strong

I am now in control

I am a good person, or I am learning and growing every day, or I forgive myself

I am ok just the way I am 

I accept myself as I am

I can succeed

I am enough

I am unique, or I am ok just as I am

I am lovable, or I deserve love

I can choose whom I trust

I am safe, or in this moment I am safe

I am learning to trust myself, or I trust myself

I am ok as I am

When we practice accessing and internalizing these positive cognitions we can create a more compassionate relationship with ourselves. With practice and continued self-awareness we can soften the triggers and begin to operate outside of these negative, faulty beliefs. The most effective way to begin to re-write our internal language is to practice. Have the statement that is more useful, true and positive available at all times. Write it down, send it to yourself as a reminder on your phone, practice saying it out loud. Once we build this deeper awareness, we can begin to practice regulating our nervous systems in a way that leads to better self-regulation. Some of the most effective time we can spend is practicing learning these very skills and tools.

Breathing practices, meditation, mindfulness, thought work, movement, somatic awareness and embodiment, journaling, regular self-care, self-compassion practices, and talking through challenges with someone you trust are all great places to start. There are many forms of therapy that help to address thoughts and faulty beliefs and nervous system regulation if you feel you could benefit from further support as you heal. If you are someone who suffers from feeling triggered frequently, I hope you will pick one area to begin your journey towards deeper self-awareness and see where it leads. Spend time reflecting on whatever practices you may choose and notice the impact.

As you grown in your self-awareness and empowerment, you will begin to change the language of how you communicate your triggers with others. You can begin to shift your language from victim mode, “you triggered me” to self-ownership mode, “I was triggered when___________.” When we take responsibility we feel more empowered to choose our responses and less helpless and hopeless that change is possible. If someone else is in control of our responses we can’t truly believe in our capacity for change. However, if we are the ones beginning to learn to take control of our reactions and responses we take our power back and gain confidence in our capability for change. This increases our inner strength over time. It will not be an easy process. It requires a great deal of time, self-awareness, practice and more practice. It also does not mean we won’t get triggered in a way that is uncomfortable or even unmanageable at times. When you learn self-regulation, self-soothing and nervous system awareness and stabilization skills that change how you relate to any triggers, it will be life changing. When you are in control of your reactions and have this level of self-awareness you are becoming truly self-empowered.