When your mind is constantly preoccupied with food, weight, and your body, it may be difficult to recognize that your struggles are really not about food at all. Most people who struggle with emotional eating have a deeper understanding of food in relation to studies, diets, and health than they’d care to share. When we can explore our food history to begin to see where our patterns were first picked up, we can more clearly see how it’s not information we are lacking. Rather, we want to explore how it came to be that food became the most accessible coping tool for emotional pain, which is about emotional avoidance and really has nothing to do with the food itself.

If you have been stuck in yo-yo dieting struggles for much many years, gaining and losing the same X amount of weight over and over again, it feels like “it must be me, I must be the problem.” However, the awareness that it is actually NOT about the food can be difficult to wrap your head around because food and body thoughts constantly preoccupy your mind. When this awareness, it’s not about the food, can be fully internalized, it can begin to set free the feelings of failure and shame that a yo-yo dieting history can create. Diet culture has instilled the belief that a diet can save us, that it IS about the food, that a diet can solve all of our body-image struggles and give us confidence and happiness. We now have a lot of research and data that shows quite the opposite, that diets actually have a nearly 96% failure rate, and yet they make the dieter feel as though it’s their fault. The culture is changing, however, it’s slow as these beliefs are deeply embedded and extremely pervasive.

Most people have a food story. A story that begins with their body being up for discussion from a very young age. One that begins with being put on a diet very early in their life. One that begins with not being allowed to eat things their siblings were allowed to because of their body size. One that begins with food being offered as the only sign they received from care givers of being loved or cared for. One that begins with food being an escape from loneliness, isolation, fear, and pain. One where they were told to ignore their hunger/full cues in order to clean their plates, or due to guilt of hungry children in other countries. One where access to food was scarce and inconsistent. One where food was a punishment. One where a parent actively restricted their food, commented on their own and other people’s bodies with constant judgement. No matter what your food story is about, the middle, the place where we can recognize that it’s not about the food, is where there is an opportunity to seize the moment and develop a deeper self-awareness. When we can fully understand that it’s not about the food, then we are free to explore, then what is it actually about?

Writing out your food story can be deeply healing and meaningful. In both my online course and workbook, I offer guidance to go through this process as an exercise as it’s an essential component in the process of healing your relationship with food. Ideally we all want food to be just food. We all want food to be something we eat for nourishment, pleasure, connection, and to feel good. We want to stop the food noise, body checking, and just feel good. If you have a complicated relationship with food, or one where food is both a problem for you as well as the solution to your problem, we have to interrupt the cycle and begin to create openings for the relationship and patterns to change. With any relationship, there needs to be awareness, honesty, shared experience, and open, respectful communication. In order to heal and transform our relationship with food, as well as with ourselves, we have to unlearn the old beliefs, stories, and fear of food and our bodies from the toxicity of the past to one of mutual respect and care.

When you examine the past, it’s not about drudging up pain and suffering, or pointing fingers and blaming, it’s about awareness. When we have a deeper understanding of how and why our relationship to food has become one of struggle, shame, and even contempt, we can begin to unravel, understand and hold the past with curiosity and compassion. When we start with awareness we can begin to develop a roadmap for ourselves to what we want from where we’ve been. When you know it’s not about the food, you know that there is no diet, wellness plan, or workout that will make you satisfied with food or your body. When you know it’s not about the food you can take a deep dive and excavate the roots of the emotions, the hurt, the struggles, and the external noise that became internal dialogue. When you know it’s not about the food, you can clearly see that healing is possible by walking through the wounds of the past, and into the hopeful space of the vision you can create for yourself.

When time allows, spend some time writing out your food story and examine your own history. Then take anything that feels harmful, toxic, and just untrue, and begin to rewrite your story, write out your desires for your new, more loving, inclusive, and compassionate story going forward from today.

The holiday season is approaching, for many people this is a fun, joyful, and exciting time. For many others, it’s a stressful, uncomfortable, and overwhelming time. For some, it’s a combination of both. Please know that during this time of year, many people are just not ok. If that person is you, it’s ok not only to not be ok, but to talk about it if needed.

I wanted to write this blog at this time as many people I work with have shared feelings of simply not being ok this time of year. Others have shared feelings of not knowing how to be there for others they care about who are struggling, how to support those who are just not ok. Hopefully some aspects of this post can help with both circumstances to allow grace both for yourself if you are struggling, or for others in your life who may be struggling during this time of year.

In general, when someone asks, “how are you?” do you answer this question honestly? Do you take a moment to truly consider how you are actually doing in this moment? Or, do you resort to the standard, “fine” “doing ok” “hanging in there” despite what you are actually feeling internally? While it’s important to protect ourselves and have boundaries, it’s also important to normalize and share the experience of our struggles, our emotional pain, and our challenges. The truth is, sometimes we really are just ok, sometimes we’re better than ok, we’re great, however, other times we are struggling, experiencing significant pain, and feeling the weight of our challenges. In these moments, it really is ok to speak your truth to the question, “how are you?” — especially with those you trust.

Leaning into emotional vulnerability can be really difficult. We live in a performance and productivity driven society, and we don’t always make time for our own feelings, much less the feelings of others. We often work in groups and encounter people daily, and yet we have a projected mask that keeps our inner experience well concealed deep within ourselves. Being vulnerable is about being honest, both with ourselves, as well as with others. When you can lean into the reality of the truth to the question “how are you?” with a pause, and an ability to check in and be open with how you are truly feeling in that moment, you are leaning into the experience of being vulnerable. When you consider what you are experiencing internally, and express it out loud to another person, you allow them the opportunity to lean into holding space for your emotions, your honesty, and your vulnerability.

During this season, it’s ok to be honest, to honor your boundaries, and to be prepared for others to potentially hold space for you. In an effort to be more open and vulnerable, you may also encounter experiences of others who are uncomfortable with your vulnerability. If that describes you, someone who struggles with how to be present with someone else’s discomfort, know that there is another side of vulnerability as well. This other side is about how to fully show up and be there for someone when they offer their inner feelings and experiences to you.

Does it cause discomfort for you when someone tells you that they aren’t doing so great? Do you often jump into problem solving mode when someone tells you about a challenge they are enduring, even if they haven’t asked for your advice? Do you remain quiet, brush past it, and change the subject? Do you resort to any other kind of avoidance when someone tells you about their emotional pain or struggles due to your own discomfort?

These are challenging interpersonal experiences and typically we are not given great models or taught lessons about how to have healthy, open, vulnerable, and honest communication. It’s tough to know how to express ourselves, or how to be there for someone else who is expressing emotional pain in a vulnerable way. It can also be difficult to share our pain because we don’t want to emotionally dump onto others, or be a burden. For others it may not feel safe or comfortable to not seem ok. Many people feel like they have to show up as always fine and project that they are fine—even if they in fact internally are not.

The key with leaning into vulnerability and speaking your truth is to practice with someone you trust. You want to have positive experiences sharing and practicing becoming more emotionally open, honest, and vulnerable. Consider someone you believe would be willing to listen to you, to be there for you, and offer space for your honesty and openness. Consider someone you trust to hold this space for you—even if it feels uncomfortable—and begin there. Imagine what it would be like for this person to ask you the standard, “how are you?” and you taking a moment to pause, and consider the question honestly within yourself. Then imagine going into a sense of vulnerable openness, sharing honestly what you are actually feeling and experiencing in that moment. Does this stir anxiety, worry, or any other feelings of discomfort for you? If so, that is completely normal. Being vulnerable is hard, but holding everything in, and not creating authentic connections is ultimately even harder in the long run. Accessing support when you are struggling with anything challenging is tremendously valuable.

Once you begin to become more open with someone you trust, notice the impact, notice how it feels to be honest, to confront the anxiety or worry or any other discomfort that comes up for you. When asked this seemingly simple question, “how are you?” practice saying something such as one the following:

“Thank you for asking, I actually have been struggling with _________ (name your struggle).”
“Things feel really challenging for me right now, can I talk with you about it?”
“I’ve been feeling ______________ (down, low, anxious…) recently, I could really use a friend right now.”
“I appreciate your kindness in asking, I’m actually going through a really difficult time.”
“I’m feeling lost and unsure of what to do with these feelings, thank you for asking, it means a lot to me.”

What does it bring up for you to imagine saying one of these vulnerable statements to someone when you are struggling? Usually, after the initial fear or discomfort of being vulnerable, it makes us feel heard, more connected, lighter, and helps to release some of the suppressed stress and discomfort. While it can be hard to do, it’s worth moving through the discomfort and allowing yourself to practice being vulnerable and open.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this vulnerability, consider how you might show up for someone else in pain, someone you care about, expressing to you that they are struggling. Most of us struggle with sharing due to perfectionism or people pleasing tendencies, however, we also usually struggle with how to respond when someone is actually open and vulnerable with us. Here are some examples for how to show up, hold space, and be there for someone in pain. If someone says something to you similar to one of the above statements, you might respond by saying:

“That sounds really challenging, (or difficult, hard, painful…) if you want to talk about, I’m here to listen.”
“I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, I’m here for you in any way that would be supportive for you.”
“Let me know if you need for me to listen, or if you would like some supportive advice”
“I’m so glad you shared this with me, how can I help?”
“I’m here for you, I hope you know that you are not alone.”

Imagine how it would feel for you to say one of the above statements to someone, even if, or especially if, it feels out of your comfort zone. Offering support can help someone more than you may even know.

Sometimes people hesitate to ask how someone is doing when they know that person is struggling because they are afraid the person may not want to talk about it. They worry they will bring it up and it will be too painful for that person. The reality is, that person may not want to talk about it, and that’s totally ok. However, acknowledging the other person’s pain, and being willing to listen if they do want to talk is tremendously powerful. Everyone wants to feel like they matter to others, that they are cared for, and when you ask someone how they are, and can show up for them in moments of their pain, you are creating an opening for deep and meaningful connections. It’s even ok to express your own vulnerability and say what you are honestly feeling and experiencing. You can say something as simple as, “I don’t even know what to say but I want you to know that I am here for you.” Vulnerability is hard, but it is worth the effort.

One of the most valuable ways to support someone once you’ve been there for them is to follow up. If you know someone is struggling, reach out, be present, and offer your support and kindness. Compassion literally means to suffer together. Being compassionate does not mean taking on the suffering of others, but to acknowledge, be present with, and offer space for the suffering to be understood and heard. Your presence for someone can be tremendously powerful. We all go through challenges, it’s simply a part of the human experience. Allowing yourself to be honest with your struggles, and allowing others to be honest with you about their struggles can be a valuable conduit to healing. Remember to take care of yourself this season, and maybe practice being more vulnerable and open and let yourself be honest about how you are feeling — how you are actually feeling.