How Are You?

The holiday season is approaching, for many people this is a fun, joyful, and exciting time. For many others, it’s a stressful, uncomfortable, and overwhelming time. For some, it’s a combination of both. Please know that during this time of year, many people are just not ok. If that person is you, it’s ok not only to not be ok, but to talk about it if needed.

I wanted to write this blog at this time as many people I work with have shared feelings of simply not being ok this time of year. Others have shared feelings of not knowing how to be there for others they care about who are struggling, how to support those who are just not ok. Hopefully some aspects of this post can help with both circumstances to allow grace both for yourself if you are struggling, or for others in your life who may be struggling during this time of year.

In general, when someone asks, “how are you?” do you answer this question honestly? Do you take a moment to truly consider how you are actually doing in this moment? Or, do you resort to the standard, “fine” “doing ok” “hanging in there” despite what you are actually feeling internally? While it’s important to protect ourselves and have boundaries, it’s also important to normalize and share the experience of our struggles, our emotional pain, and our challenges. The truth is, sometimes we really are just ok, sometimes we’re better than ok, we’re great, however, other times we are struggling, experiencing significant pain, and feeling the weight of our challenges. In these moments, it really is ok to speak your truth to the question, “how are you?” — especially with those you trust. 

Leaning into emotional vulnerability can be really difficult. We live in a performance and productivity driven society, and we don’t always make time for our own feelings, much less the feelings of others. We often work in groups and encounter people daily, and yet we have a projected mask that keeps our inner experience well concealed deep within ourselves. Being vulnerable is about being honest, both with ourselves, as well as with others. When you can lean into the reality of the truth to the question “how are you?” with a pause, and an ability to check in and be open with how you are truly feeling in that moment, you are leaning into the experience of being vulnerable. When you consider what you are experiencing internally, and express it out loud to another person, you allow them the opportunity to lean into holding space for your emotions, your honesty, and your vulnerability. 

During this season, it’s ok to be honest, to honor your boundaries, and to be prepared for others to potentially hold space for you. In an effort to be more open and vulnerable, you may also encounter experiences of others who are uncomfortable with your vulnerability. If that describes you, someone who struggles with how to be present with someone else’s discomfort, know that there is another side of vulnerability as well. This other side is about how to fully show up and be there for someone when they offer their inner feelings and experiences to you. 

Does it cause discomfort for you when someone tells you that they aren’t doing so great? Do you often jump into problem solving mode when someone tells you about a challenge they are enduring, even if they haven’t asked for your advice? Do you remain quiet, brush past it, and change the subject? Do you resort to any other kind of avoidance when someone tells you about their emotional pain or struggles due to your own discomfort? 

These are challenging interpersonal experiences and typically we are not given great models or taught lessons about how to have healthy, open, vulnerable, and honest communication. It’s tough to know how to express ourselves, or how to be there for someone else who is expressing emotional pain in a vulnerable way. It can also be difficult to share our pain because we don’t want to emotionally dump onto others, or be a burden. For others it may not feel safe or comfortable to not seem ok. Many people feel like they have to show up as always fine and project that they are fine—even if they in fact internally are not.

The key with leaning into vulnerability and speaking your truth is to practice with someone you trust. You want to have positive experiences sharing and practicing becoming more emotionally open, honest, and vulnerable. Consider someone you believe would be willing to listen to you, to be there for you, and offer space for your honesty and openness. Consider someone you trust to hold this space for you—even if it feels uncomfortable—and begin there. Imagine what it would be like for this person to ask you the standard, “how are you?” and you taking a moment to pause, and consider the question honestly within yourself. Then imagine going into a sense of vulnerable openness, sharing honestly what you are actually feeling and experiencing in that moment. Does this stir anxiety, worry, or any other feelings of discomfort for you? If so, that is completely normal. Being vulnerable is hard, but holding everything in, and not creating authentic connections is ultimately even harder in the long run. Accessing support when you are struggling with anything challenging is tremendously valuable.

Once you begin to become more open with someone you trust, notice the impact, notice how it feels to be honest, to confront the anxiety or worry or any other discomfort that comes up for you. When asked this seemingly simple question, “how are you?” practice saying something such as one the following:

• “Thank you for asking, I actually have been struggling with _________ (name your struggle).” 

• “Things feel really challenging for me right now, can I talk with you about it?”

• “I’ve been feeling ______________ (down, low, anxious…) recently, I could really use a friend right now.”

• “I appreciate your kindness in asking, I’m actually going through a really difficult time.”

• “I’m feeling lost and unsure of what to do with these feelings, thank you for asking, it means a lot to me.”

What does it bring up for you to imagine saying one of these vulnerable statements to someone when you are struggling? Usually, after the initial fear or discomfort of being vulnerable, it makes us feel heard, more connected, lighter, and helps to release some of the suppressed stress and discomfort. While it can be hard to do, it’s worth moving through the discomfort and allowing yourself to practice being vulnerable and open.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this vulnerability, consider how you might show up for someone else in pain, someone you care about, expressing to you that they are struggling. Most of us struggle with sharing due to perfectionism or people pleasing tendencies, however, we also usually struggle with how to respond when someone is actually open and vulnerable with us. Here are some examples for how to show up, hold space, and be there for someone in pain. If someone says something to you similar to one of the above statements, you might respond by saying:

• “That sounds really challenging, (or difficult, hard, painful…) if you want to talk about, I’m here to listen.” 

• “I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, I’m here for you in any way that would be supportive for you.”

• “Let me know if you need for me to listen, or if you would like some supportive advice”

• “I’m so glad you shared this with me, how can I help?”

• “I’m here for you, I hope you know that you are not alone.”

Imagine how it would feel for you to say one of the above statements to someone, even if, or especially if, it feels out of your comfort zone. Offering support can help someone more than you may even know.

Sometimes people hesitate to ask how someone is doing when they know that person is struggling because they are afraid the person may not want to talk about it. They worry they will bring it up and it will be too painful for that person. The reality is, that person may not want to talk about it, and that’s totally ok. However, acknowledging the other person’s pain, and being willing to listen if they do want to talk is tremendously powerful. Everyone wants to feel like they matter to others, that they are cared for, and when you ask someone how they are, and can show up for them in moments of their pain, you are creating an opening for deep and meaningful connections. It’s even ok to express your own vulnerability and say what you are honestly feeling and experiencing. You can say something as simple as, “I don’t even know what to say but I want you to know that I am here for you.” Vulnerability is hard, but it is worth the effort.

One of the most valuable ways to support someone once you’ve been there for them is to follow up. If you know someone is struggling, reach out, be present, and offer your support and kindness. Compassion literally means to suffer together. Being compassionate does not mean taking on the suffering of others, but to acknowledge, be present with, and offer space for the suffering to be understood and heard. Your presence for someone can be tremendously powerful. We all go through challenges, it’s simply a part of the human experience. Allowing yourself to be honest with your struggles, and allowing others to be honest with you about their struggles can be a valuable conduit to healing. Remember to take care of yourself this season, and maybe practice being more vulnerable and open and let yourself be honest about how you are feeling — how you are actually feeling.

Discomfort Today = Strength Tomorrow

Recently I was huffing and struggling my way through a tough interval on my exercise bike, and just when I was considering taking it easy—the class instructor said (I’m paraphrasing here) —“what feels like a struggle, what you might be experiencing as pain right now, will show up tomorrow as strength in both your body AND for how you show up for yourself.” (Thank you, Tunde!) In that exact moment, when it was feeling really hard, I thought WOW, that’s just what I needed to hear. Here encouragement reminded me of my own physical and inner strength to persevere through a challenge so I can reach my desire to get stronger. 

That moment on my bike I was reminded that I can handle discomfort, that I can create strength and believe in myself. I can trust myself to handle being uncomfortable in order to grow, and that I’m not just doing this to check the exercise block off my to-do list. I’m choosing to show up for myself through exercise to be strong, healthy, powerful, and confident. What she said really was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment to not give up. It was so motivating, it felt so supportive and was such a powerful reminder that I can trust myself to put in the work, that I could do it, and that my future self will actually feel better for enduring something difficult. In that moment I felt myself tune into my inner strength— and I did it—even though it was super hard—and quite uncomfortable. 

After the class I really did feel stronger, and proud that I stuck it out and got through the hardest part—with the support and motivation from the instructor. I was struck by how this relates to the exact same process of therapy, how what feels like struggle and pain to work through emotionally today becomes our inner strength, resiliency, personal power, and resourcefulness tomorrow. 

EMDR therapy, or really any therapy, where you are processing difficult experiences or emotions, can be painful during the heart of the work. When reprocessing a painful experience, or talking through and processing distressing memories or uncomfortable feeling states, the work really can be uncomfortable. Therapy requires vulnerability, feeling at times painful and uncomfortable emotions, and this is definitely not easy. However, the distress and discomfort lessen with time, and through the therapeutic process and the willingness to be with the pain, what was once experienced as painful and uncomfortable can transform into resiliency, self-compassion, and self-worth on the other side of that discomfort.

Showing up for yourself and doing the inner work builds confidence — and some very powerful inner strength. When we are stuck in any undesirable pattern such as emotional eating, or numbing out emotions, pain or trauma with anything, it is often a call to look inward, to acknowledge the struggle and to begin along a path towards healing.

Making the choice to heal starts with a decision. A decision that living with the discomfort of the past or self-sabotaging patterns is more uncomfortable than facing it head on and working through it. The exploration of the inner workings of our own minds, delving into how our trauma or emotional struggles are impacting our relationship to food, or any other harmful patterns, are connected to what is desiring to be observed, worked through, and healed. That decision requires a willingness to be uncomfortable as you engage with the healing process. Approaching the inner work with the knowing that what feels uncomfortable today can translate to inner strength, increased self-worth, confidence, and more inner peace and joy for your future self, makes it feel worth the discomfort. Knowing this, that there will be a return on your investment in healing allows engaging with the discomfort and pain to feel more doable and worthwhile.

The way out of internal suffering and to heal the past is a willingness to walk through your inner wounds and learn, grow, and invite in the release. Through change you can build the hope and inner strength you need to press forward. When you go through the process of identifying where your struggles or traumas are showing up and holding you back in life, you begin to build self-awareness. When you confront where you are playing smaller than you may be had you not endured emotional wounding, you build empowerment. When you can identify where your pain has been so unbearable that you have been avoiding, suppressing, and repressing because of fear, you can begin to ease into doing the inner work so that you can truly, deeply heal. When you can see how the patterns of emotional eating, or any other emotional avoidance began, through self-awareness you can begin to work towards the change you desire.

If you are feeling hopeful that healing might be possible, you might benefit from reaching out, finding a therapist or other support, to help you sort through this baggage and make better sense of it. If you are tired of being stuck in a self-sabotaging cycle of emotional eating or any other emotional avoidance, and you are repeating patterns or feeling stuck in general, you just might find that engaging with the healing process is just what you need.

Finding a safe place to address any emotional pain, struggles, and fears allows you to step into a space of empowerment, confidence, a feeling of unconditional worthiness and wholeness that you may never have thought was possible. Take some time to consider what patterns are showing up in your life that you could benefit from increased self-awareness in order to feel a deeper connection with your true self, and maybe take that first step towards healing today. 

Just like physical exercise, there is no way to get stronger other than to put in the work, the effort, the consistency, and the dedication to show up for yourself. This is how you create the change you want. When you allow yourself to be with the discomfort, feel it, embrace it, and move forward, you will become stronger. Changing patterns takes first a decision that you want to change, then it is helpful to find support, and then keep showing up for yourself over and over again. You are worth becoming the mentally and emotionally healthiest version of yourself, the version that you desire in mind, body, and spirit. 

Compassionate Eating: How to Be Kind to Yourself Through Emotional Eating Struggles

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines compassion as, “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” Being compassionate means to suffer along with someone, to understand it, and to offer support to help release the suffering.

When talking about compassionate eating as a concept, I am not asking you to suffer with your food, or to feel any sort of distress about food or eating. Compassionate eating is more about how to be with yourself if you struggle with emotional eating, and the ways that compassion can offer relief from some of the suffering you may experience as a result of emotional eating patterns. If you struggle with negative self-talk, or if you experience any other internal distress as it relates to the process of eating and food choices you make, engaging with compassionate eating as a practice may help to alleviate some of the internal suffering that you experience.

Many who struggle with emotional eating, or any sort of disordered eating pattern, often feel a sense of persistent guilt and shame based on their food choices. The negative self-talk can be a precursor to eating, something said while eating, and most certainly following a food choice that is eaten out of emotional distress and not deemed “the right choice” or “perfect.” For example, prior to eating, negative self-talk might sound something like, “I shouldn’t eat this.” Negative self-talk during the process of eating might sound like, “I shouldn’t be eating this,” and after eating it might sound like, “I shouldn’t have eaten that…” 

There is a lot of overlap with each of these negative self-talk circumstances—and it all comes down to the shoulds. When we Should ourselves, we are immediately putting ourselves into a place where we are subjected to experiencing guilt and shame. The message of the emotion guilt signals to us is, I did something wrong, where as the message of the emotion shame signals, I am something wrong. If I tell myself, I shouldn’t be____________ (fill in the blank with anything) I am signaling through emotion (guilt/shame) inherent internal distress.

If I’m saying to myself “I shouldn’t be doing this,” no matter what “this” is, it signals that it must be wrong, bad, shameful, embarrassing, or I’m weak, and so on. The emotional discomfort that follows can lead to painful and really cruel thoughts about ourselves including not being good enough, not in control enough, not perfect enough, not enough just as I am. These feelings can trigger a negative thought loop and an internal shame spiral that may trigger more emotional eating, or any other negative self-soothing behaviors out of this feeling of deep internal suffering that something is wrong with me.

This is where compassionate eating steps in to help alleviate this pattern of deep internal suffering. Internal negativity and shame, inducing negative self-talk, is a form of suffering. The negative beliefs (e.g. I’m not good enough) that are internalized and reinforced become a pattern of low self-worth due to feeling not good enough, or feeling like a failure, or any other negative internalized belief. Self-compassion is the ability to suffer with oneself in a hope to relieve the suffering in a way that neutralizes the negative self-talk. When you offer yourself true self-compassion, you are allowing yourself to hold space for your feelings and experiences in a non-judgmental way. This can have a neutralizing or releasing impact on the discomfort you are experiencing. Giving yourself compassion allows the experience of becoming sympathetic towards yourself—with a desire to alleviate that suffering. 

Kristin Neff, who literally wrote the book on self-compassion, (which I highly recommend) breaks down the process of practicing self-compassion into these three elements:

1. Mindfulness

2. Self-kindness

3. Common humanity

The first is about how when we bring mindful awareness to a feeling or experience we are seeing it more broadly and without judgment, versus the felt state of over-identification with the suffering (e.g. I am not good enough, or I’m a failure) that triggers the negative self-talk. The second element of self-compassion is self-kindness. This process helps to release the self-judgement, I am ok versus I am a bad, weak, or a not a good enough person. The third element is creating a sense of common humanity, bringing in the awareness that the feelings and experiences are universal. This opens us to the understanding that suffering simply cannot be avoided if one is a human, and allows a feeling of not being alone in the suffering and discomfort of one’s own experiences, emotions, and behaviors.

Practicing self-compassion in a form of compassionate eating when struggling with emotional eating might look and sound something like this:

1. Mindful awareness of the feeling/experience: “I feel shame for eating something when I wasn’t hungry despite my attempts to be more mindful of my hunger and full cues, I want to change my emotional eating patterns and I feel really sad when I feel as though I’ve failed.”

2. Self-kindness is creating an opportunity to speak to yourself as you would a friend, loved one, or anyone you care about. Consider a good friend came to you with the same feeling or experience, you might say to them: “I understand why you feel so disappointed and down on yourself, you have been working really hard to eat more mindfully and intuitively, however, please know that no one is perfect and everyone struggles at times. What you are trying to accomplish is really challenging and takes time. I’m here for you and want to support you as you continue to heal, I believe in you.” Turn the same sentiment inward, say all of this to yourself. If you have a hard time being kind to yourself, imagine that it’s as if a friend, mentor, family member, or even your pet is saying it to you. Really let it sink in and offer you comfort. 

3. Common humanity is the ability to recognize the universality of the feeling, it might sound something like this: “I can recognize that this is a part of the human experience, at times everyone feels shame or disappointed in a choice they make.” This practice of self-compassion is asking yourself, can you be more gentle with yourself? Can you see that you were having a really bad day and struggling and the food felt like the only option you had to feel better at the time? Changing a pattern of behavior is really, really difficult. It takes so much time, effort, focus, intention, and practice to do. The process of self-compassion and being with yourself in this kinder, more gentle way allows you to heal some of the underlying negative mental and emotional patterns that are perpetuating the behavioral patterns. It all works together.

I recommend adding a daily self-compassion practice where you can check in with yourself consistently and begin to offer yourself this three step process. Go through the steps of offering yourself mindful awareness, self-kindness (just like you would to a friend) and giving yourself the opportunity to connect with the felt sense of the common humanity of your feelings and experiences. Remember that you get good at what you practice. This will feel hard at first. Remember that you most likely would never speak to someone else the way you speak to yourself in those negative self-talk moments. So why do you allow yourself to speak to yourself in this way? Most people don’t even notice the level of cruelty they inflict on themselves, and yet they feel the painful impact and discomfort that becomes self-created. Also, many people fear that being kind and gentle with themselves will make them feel like they get a pass, that they’ll never change if they aren’t uncomfortable or unkind to themselves. Maybe they received “tough love” or felt that they were shamed into doing things or being a certain way that was expected of them growing up and then they internalized this way of speaking to themselves. However, this cruelty never works in the long run. Unkindness, cruelty, and meanness lead to shame, pain, and suffering. These feelings usually lead to increased feeling of defeat, depression, anxiety, and fear. True change comes from encouragement, practice, self-awareness, empowerment, and more practice. Self-compassion offers a way of being with yourself that is more grounded, positive, and mindful. Compassionate eating offers of way of being with yourself and your experience with food and eating in a more kind, thoughtful, and empowered way.

The next time you find yourself in a negative thought loop, give the three step self-compassion practice a try and notice what happens for you. The next time you hear yourself saying “I should or shouldn’t be _____________, pause and try more compassionate self-talk instead and notice the outcome. Here’s to finding more inner peace, more peace with food, and more peace with your inner thoughts. Remember, you cannot heal your way out of being a human, but with practice you can love and accept yourself for exactly who you are in this moment.