How to Integrate Intuitive Eating Principle 7: Cope with Your Emotions with Kindness

Principle 7 of Intuitive Eating is: Cope with Your Emotions with Kindness. This is a big one—and one of the most challenging as emotions and food often get entangled. It can be much more challenging to discern emotional eating from say a hunger or full cue as you are working with the principles of intuitive eating. Emotional eating can also become tangled up in specific thought pattern or a belief (or lie) about a diet as you are working to reject diet mentality.

Coping with your emotions with kindness allows an opportunity for food to be just food. It’s another simple but not so easy concept as you are working towards not using food as a coping skill to manage your internal emotional experiences that create discomfort and challenges. This process of coping with emotions with kindness is about understanding, listening to, receiving the messages from and responding to your emotions in a nonjudgmental and compassionate way.  This process really allows you to delve deeply into the root of emotional eating.

Many of us learned very early in our lives to believe and feel that our emotions are invalid, inconvenient, dramatic or unnecessary based on how they you were treated when expressing your emotions as a child. If you heard, “you’re too sensitive” “you’re so dramatic” “I don’t have time for this (temper tantrum, crying spell and so on…” “I’ll give you something to cry about” “crybaby” or “turn on the tears and see if you get your way” just to name a few, then you were taught a negative message about feeling and expressing your emotions. This becomes the root of emotional eating (or any other negative coping pattern).

These statements are unfortunately quite common, and all are quite damaging, especially when heard repeatedly. It begins to feel futile or unsafe to express your feelings and then eventually you either up the expressions in an attempt to be heard or stop and cut yourself off from you emotions all together.

The point here is definitely not to place blame, that just creates a sense of being a victim and creates a feeling of helplessness. The point here is to allow yourself to understand where you picked up the belief that your emotions were not valid, inconvenient etc... The point is to develop awareness as to where your relationship to your emotions became uncomfortable or all together denied. When you avoid or deny yourself the experience of feeling your feelings, you learn to stuff, numb, suppress and repress your emotions rather than express them in a healthy manner. You deserve to feel all of your feelings and all of your feelings are valid. Period. However, what you do with them and how you respond to your emotions can make a huge impact on the quality of your life.

If you feel completely at a loss when it comes to naming, understanding, identifying and exposing your emotions, that is ok! You can do an internet search for a feelings wheel and download and print it out to begin to become more familiar with emotions in general. This process can feel daunting at first because if you learned to repress your feelings from a young age you most likely have been working hard to keep them deeply suppressed, locked away deep inside never to be seen again. However, feelings don’t just go away, they are all still there and ready for you to open yourself to understanding, accepting and managing them in healthy way. I recommend you use the following process to begin the process of becoming more comfortable with your feelings/emotions simply as a concept. Then you can begin to explore your own in relation to your life more in depth. 

To start, go through the feelings wheel and list each feeling in a journal, one by one, starting at the center of the wheel. Write down after the feeling name a time you remember feeling that way or something that might create that feeling inside you. Then write down where you feel that feeling in your body (it’s ok if this isn’t clear right away, just try). Write down the opposite feeling state (e.g. angry—peaceful, happy—sad) for each feeling. After completing this exercise with all of the feelings on the wheel, use this journal daily as a place to release your feelings.

Our feelings/emotions show up as a message about how we are experiencing our lives. They are incredibly valuable information. It’s super important to use the concept of nonjudgment with your emotions/feelings. When you categorize your feelings as good or bad you are more likely to attempt to avoid the “bad” feelings. However, if you are nonjudgmental in your view of your emotions they can be more accessible to understand.

Your feelings may be experienced as comfortable or uncomfortable. It’s human nature to want to avoid feeling uncomfortable. As you become more familiar with feeling states, it will be helpful to begin to get more comfortable with the discomfort of your emotions. This is where your feelings journal will be helpful. You can use the following exercise to more clearly understand and then release your feelings. Try using the process each day to reflect on an emotional experience you had (or are having) and write down:

• Name the emotion you are experiencing/experienced.

• Where do/did you feel this in your body?

• How uncomfortable is/was this feeling on a scale of 0-10? (0 being no distress present and 10 being as uncomfortable as possible)

• What messages did you receive about this feeling growing up (or in your current life)?

• What is the message this emotion has for you now, what does it want you to know?

• What does this feeling/emotion need?

• Can you give the emotion what it needs, why or why not?

• Is there something you can do to cope with this feeling in a healthy way?

• Can you let this feeling go/release it?

• What is the opposite feeling state?

• Is it possible to do something now to cultivate this opposite feeling state in this moment?

• How uncomfortable is your original feeling now on a scale of 0-10?

After going through this daily as an exercise in self-awareness and self-reflection, begin to apply it to when you are having a specific food craving. Notice if you are able to release the feelings in a healthy way, trusting that this becomes more comfortable and possible with practice.

Emotional awareness is a process and learning to identify and cope with your feelings can have a tremendously positive impact on your life, your relationships, and your relationship with food. As you open yourself to the inner workings of your emotional world, you begin to free and liberate yourself from any fear and shame you experienced in terms of expressing your feelings in your past.

Know that this is just the beginning. If you feel there is too much to uncover, it’s difficult to get in touch with your feelings or they have been too suppressed for too long, know that you can seek support, you do not have to go through this hard work alone. Find a therapist, a coach or a trusted mentor and receive the support you need. This work is tremendously powerful and you deserve to feel, appreciate, understand and experience all of your feelings.

How to Integrate Intuitive Eating Principle 6: Feel Your Fullness

The sixth principle of Intuitive Eating is: Feel Your Fullness. This principle is about more than stopping when you are full. This principle is about listening to your body, respecting your body and making choices based on how you feel versus the programmed stories from your past about food.

When you were growing up were you told to clean your plate? Were you told that there were children starving in another country that would be grateful to have the food you are refusing eat to or complaining about having to eat? While children might feign fullness so they don’t have to eat their vegetables, these stories you hear stick in your mind and can influence your choices and feelings about food as an adult.

How do you know when you are full? What signs does your body send you so you know you’d be best off to stop eating? In order to hear and respond to these messages from your body, you have to be paying attention. Mindful eating allows you to sense and tune into these signals from your body. It’s helpful to discern how full you feel when you are truly paying attention to the process of eating and the impact your food has on your body.

This principle requires that you listen to your body and respect how it feels and make choices accordingly. The principle is about feeling your fullness, meaning you need to be connected to your body, fully aware of your experience in the present moment. The following guide can be a helpful place to start. It is directly from the chart in my book: Wholistic Food Therapy: A Mindful Approach to Making Peace with Food.

Full Scale:

0= not at all full
1= not at all full, but aware of food in your stomach
2= slightly full, still could eat more
3= fairly full, may be helpful to wait 5-10 minutes and see if you are satiated
4= overly full, slightly uncomfortable or bloated
5= completely stuffed, very uncomfortable

Ideally you want to stop when you are a 3 on the full scale. If you find after a pause that you are not quite full, then eat more food. If you find that after a pause when you are at a 3 that you are full, stop eating. While this may seem simple, those food stories can take over and create all kinds of justifications to keep eating or to stop eating rather than listening to your body.

Some of the most common stories/internal excuses include:

• It’s so delicious, I don’t want to stop eating

• There’re only two bites left, what’s the difference?

• I don’t want to waste this food

• I should clean my plate

• This is a “cheat” meal/food so I need to eat it all since I can’t have it again for X amount of time

Here’s why each of these above justifications are ineffective and potentially harmful. For the first mental excuse, “it’s so delicious I don’t want to stop eating,” we’ve all been there. The question to ask yourself is, how am I going to feel if I finish this despite how delicious it is? If you are going to feel stuffed, uncomfortable, bloated, in pain or even sick, is it worth it? Only you can determine the answer.

For the second excuse, “there’s only two bites left, what’s the difference?” Here’s another way to consider this, if you eat it are you respecting how your body feels? What will be the impact of those two bites? Again, only you can answer this. If it feels potentially harmful to eat those bites, is it worth it to you?

The third excuse, “I don’t want to waste this food,” it can be helpful to really consider what wasting food means. Can you save the food for later? If you can’t, ask yourself what is the difference between stuffing it into your body when your body is already full or throwing it into the trashcan? There really is a difference here that can be difficult to discern and yet important. Throwing the food away is actually the more respectful choice for your body and ultimately the less “wasteful.”

The fourth excuse, “I should clean my plate” is a story you are telling yourself. Question this story, ask yourself, why should I clean my plate? What’s the purpose? If this is a story you have been telling yourself due to your childhood associations with meals, it can be a tough one to change. If this feels important to you, one way you can practice overcoming it is to always make a point to leave a bite or two on your plate and just see how it feels. If you truly are still hungry, eat it, if you are not, leave it. Give yourself space to practice a new story such as, “I do not need to clean my plate, I deserve to stop when I am full.”

The last reason is quite common. For those who are still struggling with the first principle of intuitive eating: rejecting the diet mentality, then this reason may feel really big. If you are restricting certain foods and only allowing them as “cheat” days or meals, then you will most likely overeat on those days/meals. If you are allowed to have that food again tomorrow—if you want it again tomorrow—would you feel such a compulsion to eat it all? Restricting leads to overeating and potentially binge eating. Pay attention to any restricting or judging of your food. The same applies to if you are restricting at a meal in order to over indulge in another meal. This pattern is dangerous and ineffective.

If feeling your fullness is an area that you struggle with, try starting with practicing this principle with one meal or snack per day. As always, try to limit distractions and eat mindfully. Pay attention to how your food tastes and the impact it has on your body. Listen to your hunger cues and your full cues. Practice pausing and tuning into your body. You might begin with setting an intention such as, “for this meal (or snack) I intend to listen to my body and stop when I feel full and satisfied.” Note what satiation and true comfortable fullness feels like for your body. Honor this feeling and allow yourself to continue to create closer alignment with your body’s wants and needs each and every time you practice.

How to Integrate Intuitive Eating Principle 5: Discover the Satisfaction Factor

The 5th principle of Intuitive Eating is: Discover the Satisfaction Factor. Often when you find yourself in a dieting pattern, you adopt the belief that eating healthy is bland and boring. Dieting often leaves you feeling deprived of pleasure from your food. When you are in a pattern of restriction you are depriving yourself not only from pleasure but from feeling satisfied and satiated. When you don’t feel these necessary elements from the food you eat, your body and your mind know that they have been duped! This is where thoughts about food and strong cravings can begin and become seriously problematic.

Food is intended to be pleasurable. We need to eat to survive and so foods that are delicious make us want to return to them to feel satisfied and satiated. When you deprive yourself of this basic need you will suffer.

To begin to integrate this principle and create a greater satisfaction factor with your food, first it is helpful to know more specifically what foods you truly enjoy. What flavors do you love? What spices and seasonings are enjoyable to your palette? What textures do you enjoy, what aromas? When you know what brings you a sense of feelings satisfied with food, you can create meals that are balanced, enjoyable, delicious and pleasurable.

Mindful eating is an extremely beneficial aspect of this awareness. When you are truly present with the food you are eating you will know if you feel satisfied or not. When you find yourself mindlessly eating and not receiving any satisfaction from your food choices it may be because you weren’t present while eating and forgot to taste and enjoy your food. If you are emotionally eating, even if the food tastes good, usually there is some negative self-talk and shame surrounding the process of eating and so you don’t truly derive the pleasure from eating that you deserve.

The concept of savoring is super helpful in this principle of discovering the satisfaction factor. If you allow yourself to smell, taste, chew slowly and thoroughly and pay attention while eating you will create the satisfaction factor quite naturally. If you are rushing, distracted or eating some “diet” friendly food just as a means to an end to be “good” you will most likely not feel satisfied. This only sets you up to crave, feel resentful and can possibly lead to overeating or binge eating at some point in the future.

To begin to integrate this step of discovering the satisfaction factor into your daily life, follow these steps:

·      Write down a list of all of the foods and flavors you know you love and enjoy eating

·      Write down some of the favorite meals you remember having throughout your life

·      Write down what tastes and qualities you often crave such as sweet, salty, crunchy, spicy, pungent, warm, cold, sour…

·      Break down foods you enjoy from each the primary nutrients including foods that provide fiber, vitamins, minerals, healthy fat, carbohydrates and protein

·      Review your list and write down if you remember the last time you ate each of these particular foods and if you have any stories or judgments about each of these foods

Get curious about any food stories that you’ve created in your mind about these foods that you enjoy. If you have been restricting any of them, can you allow yourself to eat one of those foods, when you are hungry and not emotionally charged? As you eat it, do so mindfully. Allow yourself to savor the aromas, tastes, textures and the process of eating. Pay attention and be present and notice any judgments that may arise and let any judgments go. Just eat, let your food be food and feel satisfying. Note how you feel after eating this food and any messages your body sends you in the way of your energy, physical responses and digestion. This is where you become the expert in knowing what your body wants and needs. This is where you are engaging in the process and integration of mindful and intuitive eating.