How to Integrate Intuitive Eating Principle 7: Cope with Your Emotions with Kindness

Principle 7 of Intuitive Eating is: Cope with Your Emotions with Kindness. This is a big one—and one of the most challenging as emotions and food often get entangled. It can be much more challenging to discern emotional eating from say a hunger or full cue as you are working with the principles of intuitive eating. Emotional eating can also become tangled up in specific thought pattern or a belief (or lie) about a diet as you are working to reject diet mentality.

Coping with your emotions with kindness allows an opportunity for food to be just food. It’s another simple but not so easy concept as you are working towards not using food as a coping skill to manage your internal emotional experiences that create discomfort and challenges. This process of coping with emotions with kindness is about understanding, listening to, receiving the messages from and responding to your emotions in a nonjudgmental and compassionate way.  This process really allows you to delve deeply into the root of emotional eating.

Many of us learned very early in our lives to believe and feel that our emotions are invalid, inconvenient, dramatic or unnecessary based on how they you were treated when expressing your emotions as a child. If you heard, “you’re too sensitive” “you’re so dramatic” “I don’t have time for this (temper tantrum, crying spell and so on…” “I’ll give you something to cry about” “crybaby” or “turn on the tears and see if you get your way” just to name a few, then you were taught a negative message about feeling and expressing your emotions. This becomes the root of emotional eating (or any other negative coping pattern).

These statements are unfortunately quite common, and all are quite damaging, especially when heard repeatedly. It begins to feel futile or unsafe to express your feelings and then eventually you either up the expressions in an attempt to be heard or stop and cut yourself off from you emotions all together.

The point here is definitely not to place blame, that just creates a sense of being a victim and creates a feeling of helplessness. The point here is to allow yourself to understand where you picked up the belief that your emotions were not valid, inconvenient etc... The point is to develop awareness as to where your relationship to your emotions became uncomfortable or all together denied. When you avoid or deny yourself the experience of feeling your feelings, you learn to stuff, numb, suppress and repress your emotions rather than express them in a healthy manner. You deserve to feel all of your feelings and all of your feelings are valid. Period. However, what you do with them and how you respond to your emotions can make a huge impact on the quality of your life.

If you feel completely at a loss when it comes to naming, understanding, identifying and exposing your emotions, that is ok! You can do an internet search for a feelings wheel and download and print it out to begin to become more familiar with emotions in general. This process can feel daunting at first because if you learned to repress your feelings from a young age you most likely have been working hard to keep them deeply suppressed, locked away deep inside never to be seen again. However, feelings don’t just go away, they are all still there and ready for you to open yourself to understanding, accepting and managing them in healthy way. I recommend you use the following process to begin the process of becoming more comfortable with your feelings/emotions simply as a concept. Then you can begin to explore your own in relation to your life more in depth. 

To start, go through the feelings wheel and list each feeling in a journal, one by one, starting at the center of the wheel. Write down after the feeling name a time you remember feeling that way or something that might create that feeling inside you. Then write down where you feel that feeling in your body (it’s ok if this isn’t clear right away, just try). Write down the opposite feeling state (e.g. angry—peaceful, happy—sad) for each feeling. After completing this exercise with all of the feelings on the wheel, use this journal daily as a place to release your feelings.

Our feelings/emotions show up as a message about how we are experiencing our lives. They are incredibly valuable information. It’s super important to use the concept of nonjudgment with your emotions/feelings. When you categorize your feelings as good or bad you are more likely to attempt to avoid the “bad” feelings. However, if you are nonjudgmental in your view of your emotions they can be more accessible to understand.

Your feelings may be experienced as comfortable or uncomfortable. It’s human nature to want to avoid feeling uncomfortable. As you become more familiar with feeling states, it will be helpful to begin to get more comfortable with the discomfort of your emotions. This is where your feelings journal will be helpful. You can use the following exercise to more clearly understand and then release your feelings. Try using the process each day to reflect on an emotional experience you had (or are having) and write down:

• Name the emotion you are experiencing/experienced.

• Where do/did you feel this in your body?

• How uncomfortable is/was this feeling on a scale of 0-10? (0 being no distress present and 10 being as uncomfortable as possible)

• What messages did you receive about this feeling growing up (or in your current life)?

• What is the message this emotion has for you now, what does it want you to know?

• What does this feeling/emotion need?

• Can you give the emotion what it needs, why or why not?

• Is there something you can do to cope with this feeling in a healthy way?

• Can you let this feeling go/release it?

• What is the opposite feeling state?

• Is it possible to do something now to cultivate this opposite feeling state in this moment?

• How uncomfortable is your original feeling now on a scale of 0-10?

After going through this daily as an exercise in self-awareness and self-reflection, begin to apply it to when you are having a specific food craving. Notice if you are able to release the feelings in a healthy way, trusting that this becomes more comfortable and possible with practice.

Emotional awareness is a process and learning to identify and cope with your feelings can have a tremendously positive impact on your life, your relationships, and your relationship with food. As you open yourself to the inner workings of your emotional world, you begin to free and liberate yourself from any fear and shame you experienced in terms of expressing your feelings in your past.

Know that this is just the beginning. If you feel there is too much to uncover, it’s difficult to get in touch with your feelings or they have been too suppressed for too long, know that you can seek support, you do not have to go through this hard work alone. Find a therapist, a coach or a trusted mentor and receive the support you need. This work is tremendously powerful and you deserve to feel, appreciate, understand and experience all of your feelings.

How to Integrate Intuitive Eating Principle 6: Feel Your Fullness

The sixth principle of Intuitive Eating is: Feel Your Fullness. This principle is about more than stopping when you are full. This principle is about listening to your body, respecting your body and making choices based on how you feel versus the programmed stories from your past about food.

When you were growing up were you told to clean your plate? Were you told that there were children starving in another country that would be grateful to have the food you are refusing eat to or complaining about having to eat? While children might feign fullness so they don’t have to eat their vegetables, these stories you hear stick in your mind and can influence your choices and feelings about food as an adult.

How do you know when you are full? What signs does your body send you so you know you’d be best off to stop eating? In order to hear and respond to these messages from your body, you have to be paying attention. Mindful eating allows you to sense and tune into these signals from your body. It’s helpful to discern how full you feel when you are truly paying attention to the process of eating and the impact your food has on your body.

This principle requires that you listen to your body and respect how it feels and make choices accordingly. The principle is about feeling your fullness, meaning you need to be connected to your body, fully aware of your experience in the present moment. The following guide can be a helpful place to start. It is directly from the chart in my book: Wholistic Food Therapy: A Mindful Approach to Making Peace with Food.

Full Scale:

0= not at all full
1= not at all full, but aware of food in your stomach
2= slightly full, still could eat more
3= fairly full, may be helpful to wait 5-10 minutes and see if you are satiated
4= overly full, slightly uncomfortable or bloated
5= completely stuffed, very uncomfortable

Ideally you want to stop when you are a 3 on the full scale. If you find after a pause that you are not quite full, then eat more food. If you find that after a pause when you are at a 3 that you are full, stop eating. While this may seem simple, those food stories can take over and create all kinds of justifications to keep eating or to stop eating rather than listening to your body.

Some of the most common stories/internal excuses include:

• It’s so delicious, I don’t want to stop eating

• There’re only two bites left, what’s the difference?

• I don’t want to waste this food

• I should clean my plate

• This is a “cheat” meal/food so I need to eat it all since I can’t have it again for X amount of time

Here’s why each of these above justifications are ineffective and potentially harmful. For the first mental excuse, “it’s so delicious I don’t want to stop eating,” we’ve all been there. The question to ask yourself is, how am I going to feel if I finish this despite how delicious it is? If you are going to feel stuffed, uncomfortable, bloated, in pain or even sick, is it worth it? Only you can determine the answer.

For the second excuse, “there’s only two bites left, what’s the difference?” Here’s another way to consider this, if you eat it are you respecting how your body feels? What will be the impact of those two bites? Again, only you can answer this. If it feels potentially harmful to eat those bites, is it worth it to you?

The third excuse, “I don’t want to waste this food,” it can be helpful to really consider what wasting food means. Can you save the food for later? If you can’t, ask yourself what is the difference between stuffing it into your body when your body is already full or throwing it into the trashcan? There really is a difference here that can be difficult to discern and yet important. Throwing the food away is actually the more respectful choice for your body and ultimately the less “wasteful.”

The fourth excuse, “I should clean my plate” is a story you are telling yourself. Question this story, ask yourself, why should I clean my plate? What’s the purpose? If this is a story you have been telling yourself due to your childhood associations with meals, it can be a tough one to change. If this feels important to you, one way you can practice overcoming it is to always make a point to leave a bite or two on your plate and just see how it feels. If you truly are still hungry, eat it, if you are not, leave it. Give yourself space to practice a new story such as, “I do not need to clean my plate, I deserve to stop when I am full.”

The last reason is quite common. For those who are still struggling with the first principle of intuitive eating: rejecting the diet mentality, then this reason may feel really big. If you are restricting certain foods and only allowing them as “cheat” days or meals, then you will most likely overeat on those days/meals. If you are allowed to have that food again tomorrow—if you want it again tomorrow—would you feel such a compulsion to eat it all? Restricting leads to overeating and potentially binge eating. Pay attention to any restricting or judging of your food. The same applies to if you are restricting at a meal in order to over indulge in another meal. This pattern is dangerous and ineffective.

If feeling your fullness is an area that you struggle with, try starting with practicing this principle with one meal or snack per day. As always, try to limit distractions and eat mindfully. Pay attention to how your food tastes and the impact it has on your body. Listen to your hunger cues and your full cues. Practice pausing and tuning into your body. You might begin with setting an intention such as, “for this meal (or snack) I intend to listen to my body and stop when I feel full and satisfied.” Note what satiation and true comfortable fullness feels like for your body. Honor this feeling and allow yourself to continue to create closer alignment with your body’s wants and needs each and every time you practice.

How to Integrate Intuitive Eating Principle 4: Challenge the Food Police

I hope you are finding the deep dive into the principles of intuitive eating created by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch to be helpful, eye opening and thought provoking when it comes to your relationship with food. Today I’ll be exploring the fourth principle of intuitive eating: Challenge the Food Police. This principle is really all about embracing nonjudgment of your food choices and releasing fear, judgment and shame as it relates to food.

The food police are deeply entrenched in diet culture rules, regulations and beliefs about food. The food police tend to show up when you make a particular food choice and then will label that choice as good or bad—which we know only causes an internalization those feelings and creates a projection of how you will feel about yourself. This plays into feeling superior or inferior in relation to your choices rather than grounded and accepting, which is how you might prefer to feel.

The food police can be an external force as well. The people, books, studies and otherwise that will make comments about your choices, question your choices, praise you for making a “good” choice and maybe look at you a bit funny or even make a comment—with judgment—if you are making what they perceive as a “bad” choice. All of this only perpetuates stigma around food, body image and ultimately creates internalized feelings of guilt and shame.

Guilt shows up as your conscience. Guilt is an appropriate and helpful emotion to feel if you’ve actually done something wrong. Let’s say you are frustrated and take out that frustration on someone you care about and speak unkindly to them. You may experience feelings of guilt. That person did not deserve to be spoken to in that way, and most likely if you weren’t frustrated you would not have reacted in this way.

The guilt you experience is a helpful compass that signals to you that the way you acted was not in alignment with how you want to treat others or show up in the world. Now you have a choice to respond to that emotion. You can rectify your behavior through an apology. Following your apology you can show a concerted effort to change your behavior. The next time you feel frustrated, you can determine how to more appropriately and effectively cope with, manage and express that emotion.

I know this guilt talk has been a bit of a detour, however, it’s important to understand the nature and need of guilt. Guilt is helpful if you’ve actually done something wrong. If you eat a cookie, you are not doing anything bad or wrong and more importantly you are not a bad person for making that choice. The guilt that may show up from the food police in your head or around you however may make it difficult to wade through and clarify these feelings for yourself. Recognizing the amount of guilt you experience when it comes to your food choices allows you to explore your own food police more rationally and in depth.

What’s even worse is that the food police work through guilt and shame and when those feelings become internalized it can lead to emotional eating patterns. These patterns increase feelings of guilt and shame and lead to things like eating in secret, feeling ashamed and an increase in food cravings on an intense and deep level. Listening to and believing the food police ultimately can lead to dangerous emotional eating patterns and overeating because they are bound up in the diet mentality, judgment and the concept of restriction. When you allow food to be just food and ditch the judgment you feel more grounded and balanced in your choices.

Noticing the food police is enhanced when you pair it with the practice of mindful eating. Making a choice about what to eat and then doing so in a way that allows you taste, enjoy and be present with your food—without judgment. Be aware of thoughts about what you are eating and try to align with the facts about it rather than any emotions or judgments.

Some nonjudgmental self-statements might sound like the following, practice using them to combat the food police in your head and those potentially around you:

• This food tastes good to me.

• This food provides nourishment.

• This food satisfies me.

• This food satiates me.

• This food makes me feel _______________(healthy, energized, grounded…)

Some ways you can practice speaking to yourself in a kind, food police revoking manner might sound like some of the following:

• Today I choose to honor my hunger.

• The food I choose is my choice.

• I trust my choices.

• I know what my body wants and needs.

• I will eat this food with a mindful focus and notice the effects it has on my body.

• I deserve to enjoy my food.

• I deserve to nourish my body.

When you engage in this process of mindful and intuitive eating you begin to strip away judgment, fear and shame. Ironically, you may find that you crave less and restrict less at the same time.

For this week, practice noticing the food police while you are eating one mindful meal or snack. Be aware of any feelings of guilt and challenge them, ask yourself, “have I actually done anything wrong?” Take notes and see how you can transition to speaking to yourself internally in a nonjudgmental and compassionate way when it comes your food choices and your body. Begin using some of these self-statements and feel the internal shift that comes with this powerful practice.