Step SEVEN to Creating a Life You Love: Moving Forward & Creating True Self-Leadership

“Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It is precisely that simple and it is also that difficult.” -Warren Bennis

Step 7 of the 10 steps to create a life you love is about creating a deeper understanding of how to continue to lead yourself through the change process at a steady, manageable pace. This step offers opportunities to evaluate and adjust your plan as needed, to continue to forge through any residual resistance and personalize your change process. Witnessing the transition from planning and following action steps into internalized habits is a primary focus of this step. Understanding leadership skills and becoming a strong leader for yourself is emphasized—so that you can maintain the progress you’ve made and feel the impact of the new habits you’re creating. We are often used to either being led or leading others, however, leading yourself is where your true internal power lies.

With the earlier steps all about reflection, awareness, creation and action, this step is more about witnessing and making choices. Here you will witness your progress, the new action steps that are turning into behaviors and transforming into habits. The integration of these new habits sparks a need to witness these changes and continue to look inward at your change process in order to feel as though you are leading yourself. When an action step was first created as a part of the goal that supported your vision, you had to really plan, work at it, convince yourself, deal with resistance and build resilience. Once all of that hard work is done, the action step turns into a behavior and then into a habit. Once this new habit is formed, it becomes automatic.

When you no longer have to work at it or try really hard or force yourself to do this action step, you know that you’ve integrated this behavior as a habit. When you keep your pace steady, it is more likely to deeply integrate and you can experience how automatic it feels. When working in my practice, one of the first areas that many people struggle with when it comes to emotional eating is fear that they won’t be able to eat what they want to eat. They fear that they will have to give up the foods that brings them pleasure. They recognize the struggle, but fear the change. If the vision is having a healthy relationship with food, we break it down and start with goals.

One example of goal, would be to get adequate nourishment. No matter what else they choose to put in their mouths, start with increasing vegetable intake, preferably leafy greens by one serving per day. This change is often met with resistance, they bought it but it went bad, they don’t know how to prepare it, they don’t like it… Once we work through the resistance and find tasty recipes and the vegetables that they find satisfying, they have to work at it. They have to create plans for when they are going to eat their leafy greens. They have to do some preparation to ensure they eat it and keep a log to ensure this happens. Then they notice changes they are experiencing within their bodies such as improved digestion, more energy, or feeling inspired to make other healthy choices. Through this evaluation they feel empowered and also notice certain general food cravings diminishing. Then one day it happens, they just do it. It becomes part of the routine, part of meal prepping, part of what they purchase at the store. Eating a leafy green every day has become a habit.

Once increased nourishment has integrated in this automatic way, we celebrate! The steady pace, practice and ultimate change happens and then they are leading themselves. They are making the choices, doing the inner focus and making decisions based on what they know their body needs to feel nourished and healthy and this translates to feeling strong, empowered and hopeful. While this small change does not heal emotional eating, it does create a shift, it is a step towards self-leadership and healthy habit forming that they desire, yet initially feared. When you break down change into doable, actionable steps, the change happens over time and it feels really good.

Here are some primary leadership skills and how to apply them to self-leadership as you continue to assess your progress and move forward:

Communication: how you talk to yourself is important, it is essential to be kind in your self-talk and focus on your strengths.

Motivation: giving yourself a reason to do the work and finding what inspires you to do is vital.

Be positive: giving yourself reasons to move forward with a positive and healthy mindset.

Being creative: finding solutions to tricky problems, (like charring broccoli and using a delicious sauce and making it taste AMAZING rather than mushy steamed broccoli) is extremely useful.

Giving feedback: doing this in a diplomatic way is essential as a leader, so being able to get real with yourself, or access the support person who will!

Responsibility: this is where you close the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it.

When you lead yourself to the next place to begin and how to get there, you open yourself to these powerful shifts and new automatic habits that are healthy and desirable. When you rush, force or use punishment and deprivation as a strategy for change, you most likely won’t get very far. When you lead yourself with focus, determination and access any helpful support, you open yourself to living a life that you love.

Step SIX to Creating a Life You Love: Creating a Support Network

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
– Anais Nin

You are now half-way through the 10 Steps to Create a Life You Love! Have you been working on any change in particular? If so, you can see how in depth and what a process change really is. Now it’s time to dive into step 6. Step 6 emphasizes the need to have a strong support network on your side in order to make the changes you desire in your life. Without support, change is way more difficult. Without having others help to support and move you in the direction of your vision, life can be difficult, lonely and stagnant. On the other side of that, when you do have support, you can reach out, connect, stay motivated and feel inspired to move forward even—or really especially—when it’s difficult.

Through step 6, you will evaluate the nature of your relationships, acknowledge the ones you’d like to improve, explore how to continue to develop new healthy partnerships all while improving your ability to communicate assertively, compassionately and effectively. Have you heard the saying that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with? That can be a good thing and it can also be a not so good thing. Consider these five people in your mind right now. What does that bring up for you? Are you ok with the influence of those people? Do these people encourage you to be your best version of yourself? Do they support you and inspire you? Do they lift you up or pull you down? These are important questions to consider when thinking about how you ask for and receive the support you need as you embark on any change in life.

Support feels good. It feels good to be believed in, to have your capabilities, talents, and unique qualities mirrored back to you in a way that feels encouraging, motivating and inspiring. As you begin to consider your support network that will help you meet your goals, who comes to mind? Each person in your life will serve different aspects of the support you need. Sometimes you may need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to just listen and care, while other times you might need encouragement, coaching, accountability and an excuses detector. What one person in your life may be able to give you, another may not—and that’s ok! If you think about yourself as the CEO of your life, who would you want on your board of directors? Who do you trust, feel connected to and know would support you in living your vision? Who do you want on your team? Write down your greatest current supports and how you feel they could support you in different ways.

If you feel like this is all well and good, and yet when you look at those five people you spend the most time with, they do not exactly light you up in a way that is motivating, helpful or inspiring, you may need to expand your circle. This can take time and be daunting, but it is worth it to create connections that are meaningful and that will help you grow into the best version of yourself. Not all relationships do this, it is essential to form some that do. (And if you could benefit from improving any of those relationships you can read more about the health benefits of close core relationships here!)

If you have no idea where you could meet people, start with simple steps, first thinking of what goal you want to achieve (for inspiration you can read more about the benefits of a strong social support here). Where might other people working towards this same goal hang out? Could you hire a coach and/or join a local support group connected to this goal? Could you reach out within your community and get involved in a new way? Is there a book club that interests you, or that you could start? What community classes are available? Look outside what you are currently doing if you need to expand your support network and begin to create it in an intentional and meaningful way.

Once you have the people in mind and know how you’d like them to support you as you strive for change, it’s helpful to let them know what you are attempting to accomplish. When you let them in on your vision and what it means to you create a life you love and any areas where you are struggling, you create opportunities to improve your relationships. You can ask directly for the support you need and they are free to agree to support you and they are free to not. It’s up to you to ask. This reaching out process is so valuable because it makes your vision more real, and to feel more possible when you share it.

Many people keep their dreams to themselves and want to either surprise people with their changes, or not feel pressured if they don’t make the changes. This creates isolation, loneliness and may cause disruptions in your relationships. Communication, sharing and allowing yourself to be vulnerable can not only improve your relationships but help make the process of achieving what you want more accessible.

The concept of needing and accessing support is essential to personal growth, development and change. When those who care about you know about your goals it will help you determine who will be there for you as you grow and change and who may not support you in the changes you make. Finding out who will be there for you, who you can trust and rely on is so helpful. Many of us live fast-paced stress-out lives. It’s time to slow down, evaluate and relax into life. Having a board of directors to assist with that process will enhance your ability to grow and change and live a life that you love.

Step FIVE to Creating a Life You Love: Monitor Your Process and Respond to Obstacles Along the Way

Step five to creating a life that you love covers the need to monitor your process and progress and respond to obstacles that will inevitably arise in order to create the change you desire. Here’s a quick review to see how these steps are flowing together. In step one, you created self-awareness through self-reflection and looking deeply inward. Step two was about aligning with your sense of purpose through creating a vision for what you want. Step three allowed you to create a plan of action in order to create the possibility for the changes to occur through goals and action steps executed consistently. Step four encouraged evaluating your current life and lifestyle to assess and assure that you are keeping your body and mind well. That leads us to step five, monitoring your process and progress and responding to obstacles as the arise. We all know that it’s one thing to create a plan, it’s another to execute it consistently over time! Step five allows you to explore your inner resistance to change and learn how to build your resilience to ensure that the change you desire shifts from a wish into reality-based action.

Resistance to change is generally the number one reason we don’t follow through consistently. Resistance dampens motivation, zaps inspiration and keeps us stuck in the discomfort of our comfort zone. Resistance convinces us that we are better off in the discomfort of our comfort zones and creates fear to stretching into change. This step will help you build resilience as an anecdote to resistance and offer some serious reality checks to keep you moving forward.

In order to overcome resistance and create the change you desire; you need to build resilience. Resilience is only created through difficulty, struggle and the need to get up, dust yourself off, and begin again…sometimes, but not always, right back at the beginning. This can be frustrating and sad and allows the resistance to settle in strong. Resilience is the ability to recover and the ability to feel your fear and persevere anyway. There is no way to hack the process of becoming resilient. The only way is to grow your resilience is through experience. People who are resilient have been through a lot, have developed grit, learned from their struggles and have the desire to create change that is stronger than the fear of failure, rejection and disappointment.

When you review your vision, goals and the action steps that will allow it to happen, are you executing your plan of action consistently? If not, what are the excuses that you are telling yourself? Where is your primary resistance to making the changes you desire? Resistance can look like a lot like procrastination, and uses pretty much any excuse, for example, “I don’t have enough time, I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll start tomorrow, I’m too tired, I don’t know where to start, I forgot, I’m worried it’ll be too hard, I got pulled away by something else, if only, I want to but…” and on and on. If this sounds like what might be churning in your head, take a moment and challenge the resistance that is showing up for you. Ask yourself the following questions if you find you are resisting getting started on or sticking with your goals and actions steps consistently:

-Why am I avoiding this?

-What am I most afraid of, and why?

-Is there something small I can do to test it out and see how it feels to take action?

-Am I ready for this change?

-How badly do I want to live my vision?

-What am I choosing over my vision?

-What is the cost to me to not live my vision and make this change?

-Where can I find inspiration to make this change?

We all have an inner need to grow, to pursue, to create and to evolve. If we are not, that is where true stress, discomfort and challenge will show up in our lives. The trouble is that we are usually the ones that get in our own way of creating the change we say we want. Fear is self-doubt and an inner belief of either we aren’t worthy or deserving of this change, or on the other side of that, that we will be successful and worry how will that will impact our current lives, relationships and way of living. I can tell you that you are deserving and worthy of what you want, however, it is up to you to create this inner belief. I can also tell you that as you create change in your life, it may impact and disrupt your life, but those that support you and care about you will be there for you, and if they don’t, maybe they’re not your people.

Self-sabotage can show up easily and it can feel like an increase of excuses that may hum in the background of your mind. Change requires that you stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone and this process is uncomfortable. No one likes to be uncomfortable. When you persevere, the discomfort is temporary—just while you are in the stretching process—yet the payoff will create feelings of accomplishment, hope, determination, worthiness and joy.

Approaching change will benefit from some solid problem-solving through monitoring your process. If this is a change you’ve attempted in the past, where do you usually bail out? Where do you foresee self-sabotage to occur? If you can manage to preempt some foreseeable struggles, you create a plan for managing those struggles. I recommend that you create your plan of action weekly and check in with your plan of action daily. Where did you execute and where did you not execute? Why did you or did you not complete your action steps? How can you keep it going (if you did!) or make some shifts to motivate yourself if you didn’t. Get deeply curious about why you did execute or why you didn’t. You might be able to borrow from where you did execute to help support the areas where you did not.

Check in with any internal resistance daily as well. Notice any fear that is there and get curious about that. Why is it here? What happened to create this fear? Does it relate to the past? What is worst that can really happen? Resistance usually shows up in the form of internal (not true and certainly not useful) stories we create and we believe those stories. This is not an effective game plan! It can be helpful to sit with the opposites, if that potential fear-based story is true, couldn’t the opposite be true as well? For example, if you find you are resistant because you don’t trust yourself to follow through for the long term, couldn’t it also be true that you have made changes and now have the support to follow through for the long term? Both are not yet reality, however if a negative belief is true couldn’t a neutral or positive belief also be true? The only person we all have any control over in the world is our future self.

Today, attempt to do your future self a favor and commit, stick with your goals and take action. Practice taking action to cure your fears and allow your vision to become your life. A helpful mantra to remind yourself in any moments of resistance is, feel the fear and do it anyway! When you do, notice how you feel about yourself, notice your self-worth increasing. That is how you will continue to manage obstacles, build resilience, determination and a new way to focus on you!